Isobel Kuhn - Missionary Wife in China

Our friend Isobel (whom I wrote about here and here) served with her husband planting churches primarily among the Lisu people of Southern China for about 20 years - through the 1930s and 1940s. In reading about her experiences with married life on the mission field, I'm amused how little has changed. The same problems with privacy, local expectations, servants, cooking, friend making, language... and different communication styles, energy levels, and preferences than her spouse. Like many a young couple, each of the Kuhns seemed to try to change the other to be more like themselves: "I'm sure you'd be much happier, too, dear...!"

The 19 essays in Whom God Has Joined describe the same kinds of conflicts, pressures, misunderstandings, and compromises (as well as partnership, growth, and joy) mark the lives of couples I know all over the world today.

And she tells stories so well... that actually was one of the things they had to learn to blend on, actually. "Belle" was rather prone to exaggeration. When she toned everything down to just the facts, nobody got anything out of their letters. She learned to choose her words carefully to please her husband without quenching the enthusiasm that made her stories come alive to readers. It is possible to be both accurate and engaging, but it can take some doing.

I don't know how many couples I've coached through newsletter writing. Conflicts in that area are far from the most serious, but seem remarkably common! At any rate, by the time she came into her own, Isobel's writing was great. This short book was a pleasure to read.

In the weeks leading up to their wedding in Kunming, Isobel and John were staying in the homes of Mrs. A, and Mrs. B, respectively.

"Mrs. A was the ascetic type who felt that missionaries should live with the nationals and be as self-denying as possible. Mrs. B, who was in charge of the guest house, had a distinct gift for arranging her home in an attractive style and did not feel it wrong to spend a little money to maintain it. Since many of our Yunnan workers lived in the mountains among the tribes where life was primitive and hard, she felt that on the few occasions which brought them out to civilization ... they should have comfortable rooms and good food. Obviously, two such opposite dispositions would not always agree."

I've certainly run into those kind of differences and tensions on the field. I ended up writing a whole paper about the principles missionary women seem to fall back on to make "lifestyle" decisions and how those decisions affect - or don't affect - the way locals see them. No definitive answer, by the way, but it was helpful just to unpack the nuances of that topic for people, since it can cause such conflicts on the field.

Anyway, John and Isobel had to do some dying to self to plan a wedding that would not unduly offend people's expectations. They wanted something small, but ended up inviting all the foreigners in Kunming. Of course, Mrs. A and Mrs. B did an awful lot of the work!

But the opportunity for conflict in such matters did not end there.

"One evening some days before the wedding, my hostess Mrs. A appeared at the supper table looking rather fatigued but triumphant. 'I've been all day working over at the Peng Gardens, getting some rooms ready for you and John to occupy on your honeymoon,' she announced.

"... I was quite overwhelmed with her kindness ... and was not slow to tell Mrs. B ... but I was quite unprepared for Mrs. B's reaction. 'Oh, but you can't do that!' she almost wailed. 'I've arranged for you to rent the honeymoon cottage across the lake. It does not cost much for a week...'"

I like John and Isobel's solution. They realized that what might be more important than picking the best situation for themselves, or earning favor with the two women (whom they would seldom see again, when they left for their new home), was avoiding resentment between Mrs. A. and Mrs. B over the matter. Isobel preferred that both neighbors be disgusted with her rather than one another. So she looked for a third place to go instead! When a fat check arrived from John's father they decided to spend it by giving themselves a week in the fanciest place in town.

"As we rode off in rickshaws for the French hotel, we turned to wave to our group of friends. There were our two dear hostesses, standing in unconscious union, trying to wave hopefully to us, but each dubiously shaking her head over those unmanageable and extravagant Kuhns."

If any of you are interested in exploring the topic more, I'd recommend the latest edition of Evangelical Missions Quarterly. It's focused on "Families in Mission" and includes articles on marriage, parenting, stress, furlough, and even a short "theology of the family in mission."