Saving the Real You

Star Trek Voyager, season 5. That's what's in my DVD player. Deb and I watched several episodes last night.

In one, Seven of Nine - a former member of the Borg but now "an individual" - is attacked by a virus of sorts that re-activates and agitates the personalities that she had helped assimilate when she was part of the collective. She becomes a Ferengi, a Klingon, a lover, a child...manifesting each personality for seconds, minutes, or hours at a time, like someone who has that form of schizophrenia. (It must have been nice for Jeri Ryan, the actress, to get to display some emotion for once.)

In a last ditch effort to save her personality from being lost or destroyed, the Vulcan chief of security, Tuvok, conducts a Vulcan "mind meld." He goes inside her head and does battle on her behalf.

"Wouldn't it be nice to have a friend like that, who could go inside your head and deal with all your enemies, silence all the voices, to rescue and protect the real you?" I asked Deb.

"Tuvok would be one I'd trust with my mind," she answered. "He wouldn't go tell everyone what he'd found!"

We didn't take the conversation any further than that, but the spiritual implications may be obvious.

When I told the members of my sabbatical support group, a few months ago, that I didn't feel ready to face down all my inner struggles, one of them prayed and "gave" me this passage from Psalm 35:

¹ Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me;
       fight against those who fight against me.
 ² Take up shield and buckler;
       arise and come to my aid.
 ³ Brandish spear and javelin
       against those who pursue me.
       Say to my soul,
       "I am your salvation."
 ⁴ May those who seek my life
       be disgraced and put to shame;
       may those who plot my ruin
       be turned back in dismay.
 ⁵ May they be like chaff before the wind,
       with the angel of the LORD driving them away.

Champagne for the Soul: While You Were Sleeping

For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation.
Let the saints rejoice in this honor and sing for joy on their beds. (Psalm 149:4-5)

I often wish I had "just one more day." The thought typically floats through my mind in connection with some noble task (or unrealistically long list of tasks) I wish to accomplish. If the sun actually stood still or turned back, though, I hope I'd labor at something more worthy of such a miracle than the things on my to-do list really are (serious as they may seem at the time).

The need to discover life isn't just about work is one reason that the practice of sabbath is so strongly encouraged - and in fact, the way our bodies and minds are made, sleep and rest are essential for our renewal. I know a man who, when he was in college, decided to give up sleep. It was a tool of the devil to keep us from doing good work! he said. Of course he got his reward: after days of sleeping little or not at all he came down with mono and was out of commission for weeks.

In Champagne for the Soul (the subject of my 1-8-09 post) Mike Mason reports his discovery that God does some of his best work when we’re asleep – or at rest, at any rate.

"Before my experiment in joy, I thought I knew something of the value of rest. In order to sustain joy through ninety days, however, I had to allow more time for rest than ever before.

"… Since before this I’d pictured myself as leading a contemplative lifestyle, it was a surprise to realize I was actually too busy, too driven, too reluctant to slow down and enjoy the refreshment of rest." (p. 11)

Just an hour of rest here, a five-minute break there, can make all the difference in living fruitful, joyful lives. One reason, says Mason, is this:

"One interesting property of happiness is that we cannot be happy without knowing it. We can be many other things – rich, blessed, lucky, loved – and not know it, but to be happy we must know it.

"...Rest is an opportunity to become aware of joy. We need sleep because we need dreams, and we need rest because we need daydreams." (p. 12)

Psalm 103 and the Need to Break Away from the Herd

Had some moody moments yesterday. Big group events tend to have that effect on me - everybody else seems so happy, so connected, so, well, I don't know. Suffice it to say it's hard for me to learn or feel comfortable in a room with hundreds of people, especially people I do not know, even when there's great teaching or worship.

Maybe it's like crying - that's something I pretty much do only when I'm alone. And it may be why I don't go to a big church; just can't let my guard down and "enter in." How can people do that? Sit and listen to some speak and be deeply "touched" by the words of someone they don't really know, in a room full of people?

Are any of you like that, unable to get much out of big group events? Why do you suppose that is?

On the other hand, I am quite an extrovert. I love meeting new people - it may be my favorite thing to do - and comfortably strike up conversations between the 'plenary' sessions. A group of 10, 30, even 50 is just fine with me; workshops often "work" for me, and I like to teach and join in group discussions. So I don't stay away from conferences all together.

Anyway, I was feeling blue to think about how many things I had hoped to see come together in 2008 did not. Many of them have been on my "to-do" or "to-hope-for" list for years. I want to (1) accomplish more, and (2) be more of the kind of person God made me to be. And of course those things are rather in conflict. Productivity and character development may be related (you will accomplish better work when you find your niche and fill it with integrity). But busy-ness and personal growth - well, they pull us in opposite directions.

And I may be healthier and happier than I have at times, but guilt and shame and fear and worry are still out there, like scattered clouds that might suddenly take over my whole sky and do, fairly often. Why do I live in bondage, when freedom, peace, or joy are on offer to all?

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (Jesus, in Revelation 3:20)

So, while hundreds sang at the top of their lungs as our conference came to a close last night, I reached for my Bible and soaked in the words of one of my favorite psalms... 103. God so =gets= it, doesn't he? It's great to have such a Wonderful Counselor!

1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

King David Sings the Blues

This guy David who wrote all those Psalms, he’s pretty outrageous. He wrote some good, accessible stuff that would (does!) get airplay on your Christian radio station, but an awful lot of it wouldn’t (doesn't!) make it on the air in our day. It’s just too dark...

I do love happy things – inspiring songs, sentimental movies, Christmas music, the lights and warmth and peace on earth, goodwill to men that all come up this time of year. I’m not out there looking for stories or jokes about things that are crude or ugly or terrifying in the mistaken belief that those things are what’s “real.” In fact, I’m HUNGRY for mercy, wholesomeness and sincerity, and often find them in short supply in a world of cynicism, sarcasm, and venom.

The choir at the mega-church on the hill behind my house is working hard to prepare for their Christmas show, called “Love Has Come.” I can’t think of three syllables that sound like better news than that.

But you know, I tend not to know what to do with my darker feelings: self-pity, jealousy, resentment, pride, anger, blame, scorn, condemnation. What do you do when you see those things in your heart, when you recognize that you are your own worst enemy? The more I see how unfair and irrational my negative emotions are, the more upset I get about being upset, and then tend to take that out on other people.

So for me, I think part of growing up would be to mellow out, to face and re-wire my reactions to the thing that really push my buttons. I do have solid instincts, and I need to be able to trust them and listen to them without making them the last word – so I can’t just shut down or pull back. Is it really possible to be passionate and articulate without going around wreaking havoc and destruction? I believe it is, even if I don’t know how to do that consistently. Oooh, I know the answers are simple, and largely untried or unpracticed: prayer, surrender, humility, healing, being filled with the Spirit! I need to camp out in Colossians 3 a bit more.

Meanwhile, we have the psalms. They give me a vocabulary for pain and struggle. Boy did that David know how to sing the blues! No. 69 is one of his songs that puts our far smaller struggles into perspective, while giving us the words and go-ahead to complain and cry out to God when this is how we feel. Although I can’t quite do it without laughing, so maybe that’s a sign that that I’m not so bad off after all. (Really… “Woe is me! Those who hate me for no reason outnumber the hairs on my head!”)

How does this psalm strike you? Anything grab you?

1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.

2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.

3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.

4 Those who hate me without reason
outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause,
those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore
what I did not steal.

5 You know my folly, O God;
my guilt is not hidden from you.

6 May those who hope in you
not be disgraced because of me,
O Lord, the LORD Almighty;
may those who seek you
not be put to shame because of me,
O God of Israel.

7 For I endure scorn for your sake,
and shame covers my face.

8 I am a stranger to my brothers,
an alien to my own mother's sons;

9 for zeal for your house consumes me,
and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.

10 When I weep and fast,
I must endure scorn;

11 when I put on sackcloth,
people make sport of me.

12 Those who sit at the gate mock me,
and I am the song of the drunkards.

13 But I pray to you, O LORD,
in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation.

14 Rescue me from the mire,
do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me,
from the deep waters.

15 Do not let the floodwaters engulf me
or the depths swallow me up
or the pit close its mouth over me.

16 Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;
in your great mercy turn to me.

17 Do not hide your face from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.

18 Come near and rescue me;
redeem me because of my foes.

19 You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;
all my enemies are before you.

20 Scorn has broken my heart
and has left me helpless;
I looked for sympathy, but there was none,
for comforters, but I found none.

21 They put gall in my food
and gave me vinegar for my thirst.

22 May the table set before them become a snare;
may it become retribution and ^[a] a trap.

23 May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see,
and their backs be bent forever.

24 Pour out your wrath on them;
let your fierce anger overtake them.

25 May their place be deserted;
let there be no one to dwell in their tents.

26 For they persecute those you wound
and talk about the pain of those you hurt.

27 Charge them with crime upon crime;
do not let them share in your salvation.

28 May they be blotted out of the book of life
and not be listed with the righteous.

29 I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.

30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.

31 This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.

32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!

33 The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.

34 Let heaven and earth praise him,
the seas and all that move in them,

35 for God will save Zion
and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people will settle there and possess it;

36 the children of his servants will inherit it,
and those who love his name will dwell there.

Chaos in Kenya and the Psalms of David

My plan for our Missions Catalyst e-Magazine this week fell apart at the last minute. I had something I thought was going to work but when I sat down with tweezers and scalpel (so to speak) to prepare the piece for publication, I saw it was not usable after all.

So the search for a replacement was on, with just one day's notice. My trusty news editor, Pat, pointed me to the email account where she gets all her subscriptions, and among the items she's starred was one about 200 Kenyan children who are gathering for daily prayer meetings to lift up their country. Perfect. Here's an excerpt:

Ever since the children started praying together, the pastor says there have been no deaths, houses burned or even violence in their section of this slum. Adults recite this fact in amazement. The children, however, don't even mention it because it's exactly what they expected to happen.

"Pastor told us that there is power in prayer. He said we can change the country through prayer," 12-year-old Boniface explains. "So that is what we are doing, changing the country."

I decided to run it, and add a few other stories from Kenya to round out the edition (you can read the end result and click through to the sources here). Here's another part I liked...

RoxAnne Cox, serving on the SIM Sudan team based in Nairobi, wrote, "We grieve for friends like Lydia, who fled for her life from Eldoret. She and her husband have lost everything. We wept together as she shared their trauma."

"I wrote Psalm 27:13 on a card for her, and the other day Lydia told me, 'I have been clinging to the verse you gave me. I shared it with a Kenyan friend who was on the verge of suicide because of the chaos. It literally saved his life, giving him hope to go on.'"

Have you ever known what it is to have the scriptures pull you out of darkness like that? I have, though maybe not to that extreme. Anyway, I don't think I'll read Psalm 27 - long one of my favorites - without thinking of these brothers and sisters in Kenya.

Psalm 27

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh, ^[a]
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.

3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.

4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.

8 My heart says of you, "Seek his ^[b] face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.

9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.

10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.

11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.

12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.

13 I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Heals, Binds Up, Determines, Calls by Name, Understands

Something happened this morning that brought a whoooosh of loneliness over me, but I'll hold onto this:

He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.

He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.

Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit.

Psalm 147:3-5

The Best Pathways

Psalm 32 (New Living Translation)

1 Oh, what joy for those
whose disobedience is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of sight!
2 Yes, what joy for those
whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,
whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
3 When I refused to confess my sin,
my body wasted away,
and I groaned all day long.
4 Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

5 Finally, I confessed all my sins to you
and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.”
And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.

6 Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time,
that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.
7 For you are my hiding place;
you protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.

8 The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you.
9 Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.”

10 Many sorrows come to the wicked,
but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord.
11 So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey him!
Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!