Pretty things, painful memories, and how I was surprised by wholeness

Shortly before Chris and I got married I went back to Denver to help my old housemate pack up and prepare to move out of the place we'd shared for fifteen years or so. She had been there longer than I had and faced some serious and painful downsizing. Her grandmother's china was on the got-to-go list. She offered it to me.

I was touched by the offer of these treasures and the chance to carry on some of her family history. I didn't take the boxes with me, though, since I was flying. Instead I left them for the moving truck.

We said goodbye, and I returned to Oregon to continue the task of setting up my own new household, itself complicated by the realization that Chris and I had rather different preferences for – well, almost everything, it seemed. We both had sacrifices to make. The wedding registry process was rough. Neither one of us wanted to fight about things like dishes and towels – or wedding music and decorations, for that matter – when there were so many more important things to work out. But we were mystified by each other's preferences in each of those areas and more. I ended up taking back quite a few of the wedding presents one of us said we wanted but the other didn't like. We defaulted to what was functional and plain.

I'm not really a girly girl but was sad to have so few pretty things, and to realize that many of the pretty things I already have would probably have to stay in boxes until, maybe someday, we get a bigger place, or don't have any kids at home.

Some months after the wedding, my roommate's sister had to make a trip to Eugene and brought me the three boxes of china. She also gave me some disturbing news about my old roommate, now living with their mother in Washington. It had been a tough transition for her. As I soon discovered, the china hadn't fared well, either. I opened the first box and unwrapped a few things. How did so many of them get broken? I must have thrown some things away, then, but I pushed the boxes back and decided to deal with them later.

Later finally came just last week. Chris and Daniel were both away for the night. I steeled myself for what I thought would be a depressing task, another scene of pain, disappointment, brokenness.

But it was not. I didn't find a single broken piece of broken china, just one after another that was beautiful and whole!

What had happened? I briefly imagined that Someone had worked a frivolous miracle on my behalf, but I suppose it's more likely that I had thrown away the only broken pieces the first time I opened the boxes, not realizing the rest were just fine.

I was further surprised to realize, as I surveyed our kitchen, that I would not have to re-pack the boxes and return them to the garage. Our spacious kitchen has room. So I began using the most serviceable looking pieces, like the cups that aren't paper-thin and edged with gold! Who knows, maybe I'll have some reason to get out the really fancy ones now and again, too. (Like a visit from my old roommate, who I'm glad to say is doing much better. She mostly just needed the time to grieve and adapt.)

Looking back on those days, two years ago, when Chris and I were struggling to furnish the house, I realize how far we've come in appreciating each other's values, preferences, and perspectives. Sometimes we are even able to find things both of us like! Moreover, love continues to cover: we like to please each other, and that goes a long way to producing kindness, respect, and forbearance. There are lots of things I now do or think about his way, and things he does or thinks about my way. Marriage is certainly harder than living with a roommate. The stakes are higher. But, with time and patience, we're learning how to walk together.

The morning after I unpacked the china, I made breakfast for us both and served it on our "new" plates. I knew better than to offer him tea or coffee in these lovely little cups; he's not a hot-drink kind of guy and wouldn't have much use for cups that only hold a few ounces. But I'll enjoy them. And I suspect he will enjoy seeing me enjoy them, too. 

Some thoughts about divorce

I've been thinking about the uneven treatment given to single moms and single dads. I wonder how much our culture's growing respect and support for single moms as victim/heroes increases the tendency of frustrated women to desert their husbands and leave their marriages. Because, for whatever reason or reasons, almost all divorce proceedings in America are initiated by women. Offering support to divorced or divorcing women is better than stigmatizing them, to be sure, but there must be a way to be supportive of women and of marriage, too?

In relatively few cases does it seem appropriate to ask why someone isn't married anymore. Is it anybody else's business, after all? Usually the answer is no. But that doesn't mean people don't make assumptions. And more often than not, I think the assumption about a single mom is that she was in a bad marriage or relationship and he left her. Or even if she did the leaving, things were so bad it's a good thing she got out... she'd taken as much as she could from him, she gave it her best go while he was blind to her needs. That's the story I hear a lot of women tell. So we all need to gather round her and the kids and help them out. So she's the victim, or she's the hero, or both. That storyline rings true for some single moms, to be sure. Maybe a lot of them. Many of them lose tremendously in a divorce and never make up the ground.

But what this cost us, as a society? I keep coming across women who left their marriages without much justification and are being honored by others for their decision to stand up for themselves and go the single-mom route. And I think that's a problem because of the effect that it has on their husbands, kids, the grandparents who end up pick up the pieces and paying the bills, and the other women who watch and get misleading ideas about what marriage is supposed to be and what smart choices look like. Because while being married is a struggle, divorce has a viciously high price tag of its own, and many a bad marriage can turn into a good one with the passing of years.

It used to bug me when I'd hear about all these church outreaches to single moms. As a single woman who never had children I was a little jealous of how much people would bend over to help single moms. After all, I was all alone, didn't make that much money either, and I could use help with car repairs and yard work, too! Why the breaks for women who got pregnant? Now that I've had a taste of parenting I think I understand a little better.

In marrying a single dad, I've seen how the narrative about single moms affects the single dads. After his wife deserted their marriage, C. discovered how much people in the community – and, especially, the church – respond to divorced men with subtle suspicion. People treated him differently. As if he must love the kids less, have abused or betrayed his wife, been the one who abandoned them, and who perhaps continues to neglect as much as ever or more. The way people treat a single dad suggests a belief if a man is divorced, it must be because he blew it. Is that what they think?

Divorced or divorcing women don't get that same message. They are treated given the benefit of the doubt, supported, rallied around. With some girl-power thinking thrown in for extra measure. Not that I want them demonized, but what about defending husbands and fathers, or at least dropping this prejudice and discrimination against them? Many a single dad may be struggling to get by, deeply committed to his kids and making sacrifices to serve them, and just as frustrated by the shuttling back and forth, shared holidays, and tensions over differing values between two households.

I was quite mindful of those stereotypes myself. I asked a lot of questions before I was willing to get serious about C. I didn't say yes to him until I was satisfied. Some of the people who didn't get to hear the answers for themselves remained a little worried and afraid on my behalf.

All this suggests to me that many people don't believe in no-fault divorce as much as they may claim. They suspect he betrayed her or drove her to leave him, that he is more to blame. Why is that? Is there any way we can say whether one party is more to blame than the other? If not, why this prejudice? If so, is it "true" in any objective or measurable sense that men are worse at marriage and parenting, or more to blame for divorce, than women are?

Life Under Pressure

Things like journaling and blogging were pushed to the back burner last month - there were articles to write and edit, the twitter stream I've been feeding for work, quite a bit to read and write about for school, and plenty of demands connected to the house and family. Life is full, and not just my life but the life of every member of my little family. Too often I've found myself carrying at least a low level of guilt and shame attached to unfinished tasks and failures. Next week D. comes back to us, and it's time to set the alarm clock for 5:30 again to get him to morning swim practice, every day.

I'm hoping things will lighten up a bit this winter but am trying to be realistic; it may go on like this for some time. And it's helpful to realize that I actually prefer it over the the depressed state that comes on me when I have plenty of time and nebulous responsibilities and still can't manage to get things done - the boredom of a life that's too empty or unstructured. Knowing I'm in over my head brings its own odd kind of comfort. It helps me sleep at night. I'd rather live something more like the contemplative, spiritual, relationship-driven way of life I tasted on sabbatical, but since that's not in the cards at present, I can find a form of contentment in the way things are.

Hubs, though, is struggling with what we think is sleep apnea, and feels rotten much of the time. He can rally his energy when he must for work, school, and fire department, but has little left when he comes home. Even though we are able to block out 8-10 hours and sometimes more for sleep, at 3:30 or 4:00 pm each day he starts to feel like death warmed over. He saw a doctor recently and has an appointment with a specialist next week, and those are hopeful developments.

Sleep apnea is a big deal but quite treatable. I hope it doesn't take months to jump the hoops to get him the C-PAP machine that is the usual prescription. Meanwhile, he built himself an interesting breathing contraption of his own design, one using a fan, a funnel, some small plastic tubing and a whole lot of duct tape... This does not do much, really, but it helps somewhat - and what fun to come up with and execute the plan!

I find a choice before me. Will I rise to the challenge of focusing on and caring for my not-all-there husband - and, at least when he's with us, our son - and love them? Or will I cultivate worry, self-righteousness and resentment because this is not what we had hoped for?

The path of self-pity, though I can "justify" it, only increases my own pain and everyone else's. It's like adding a 15% tip or tax onto whatever trouble comes our way.

Principles of Acquisition

My husband and I recently had a small squabble about how to cook rice. He thought we (I) needed a rice cooker, whereas I resisted, more comfortable with my old-fashioned pots and pans. I had similarly tried to persuade our kids that an ice cream scoop was an unnecessary possession in a house with an ample collection of spoons.

As such household debates have unfolded I've come to realize we operate on different principles. I want to have as few tools as possible, but all of them multi-purpose. (Same girl wants to have one purse or one pair of shoes that goes with everything). Hubs is by no means extravagant - he wants to justify every purchase on multiple grounds. But he does like his shiny tools, and he tends to think anything must be better if there's a cord to plug it in.

Our kitchen has lots of storage space and our wedding guests flooded us with department store gift cards, so the happy solution is that we make room for both approaches. We have the space for both pots and pans, and the small appliances... for universally useful utensils, and for specialized ones.

We got the rice cooker. It works fine and will probably stick or spill less than my rice cooked on the stove. Those ten-pound bag of frozen chicken and a 20-pound bag of rice from Costco should mean there's always something in the house to make for dinner. And since Hubs likes the gadgets, I'll have no qualms delegating the dinner-making back to him - at least in theory. It would help if we weren't both overextended these days. I may have to give in and buy the story about how getting a crock pot would make our lives easier too. So far I have resisted.   

Questions:

1. What household tools and appliances have you found the most delightful? What do you use the most? 
2. Which ones seem a waste of space and money for you? What stays in the drawer or cupboard?

Moving Beyond Translation

I'm writing an article, at least in my head I am. It's about how and why to be a language and culture learning, even if you're not planning to stay someplace but only passing through. And one of the ideas I want to get across in a compelling but succinct way is how helpful it is to ask for use, not meaning.

Here's how it works. Say you're going to be in another culture and want to know what to do when you want to say goodbye. Instead of finding out the literal translation or simplest term for goodbye - something you might be able to get from the internet, or a book - you'd do well to ask a real person who lives there what you should say or do when you're with somebody and you need to leave. Then you learn to say what they say in a given situation, rather than saying a translation of what you would say, back home, in such circumstances.

I want to recommend people ask "what do you say when..." instead of "how do you say..."

A subtle difference, perhaps, but it helps.

Does the same thing apply to culture learning? You adjust better if you try to learn about the contours of life for local people rather than trying to figure out how to live your own life your old way, with just a surface translation like a change of clothes or bit different diet. You let it be more than a matter of translation, you let go of the partial truth that "underneath, we're all just the same." You receive the new activities or ways of doing things as an experiment or adventure rather than an inconvenience, mistake, or threat.

Letting go of your right to manage your own life and judge what "normal" means is painful, though, isn't it?

As I've mentioned here before and probably too many times, I still feeling the culture stress of both my move from Highlands Ranch to Eugene and my move from singleness to married-with-family. The hubs and kiddos get to feel it too as they hear me whine about the scarcity of coffee shops and libraries near here, etc.

At the household level, we've also discovered that I have different assumptions about technology. I don't like carrying a cell phone and won't answer it if I'm driving, or busy; I don't like phones and don't believe I need to be that reachable. I recoil from having the TV on "too much." I think ice cream can be scooped with a plain ol' spoon and that we don't need a rice maker to make rice; I prefer and default to doing things by hand instead of using a tool. Much of the time when C. and/or the kids introduce me to their "newfangled" tool or technique I balk a bit, even if I later come to appreciate it.

I'm trying to flex. I'm trying to stop whining, snapping, and getting defensive. I'm a little horrified at my failures. I'm trying to both give grace to this environment and its inhabitants, and to my freaked-out, culture-shock-y self.

What's the principle to hold onto? Maybe it all just goes back to "it's not wrong, it's just different."

When I made my first trip outside the U.S. at age 17, someone told me that the three most helpful character traits to cultivate were flexibility, tolerance for ambiguity, and sense of humor.

Yesterday brought a pleasant cultural adventure. I took a field trip, my second visit to The Fifth Street Beanery. That's a downtown coffee shop that's easy to get to, has its own parking, free wifi with plenty of seating and electricity, and keeps long hours. All the things I would put on my "why aren't there places like that in Eugene?!" list. Because, of course, I've been judging my new town on the basis of how well it measures up against my old one: I'm trying to translate my life, rather than discovering a new one with its own categories. Well there are some of the coffee shops in this city that are something like the ones I left behind and just as pleasing. Just not in the outlying neighborhoods.

As I sat at my laptop sipping my coffee and munching my whole-wheat marionberry coffee cake (what a Northwest thing!) I also savored the signs of authentic (not contrived) character. A great menu. People who seemed sincerely interested in their companions. I also like the windows into independent "green" hardware store next door, sharing the building which looks rather like a converted mill or workshop. Chances are good it wasn't just built or remodeled to "look like" that, but preserved as it was.

Ah, Lord, help me appreciate, honor, and protect my new town, family, and way of life, rather than fighting them, judging them, or trying to remake them into something more comfortable and familiar to myself!

Top Ten Taxonomy

I wrote this for my last newsletter and got some great responses... so I thought I'd repost it here. 

Sometimes when I’m working with an ethnographic research team I ask them to brainstorm a list. What are the top ten things they are learning about their host culture? Or, better yet, what are the top mental categories in the minds of ordinary people in that culture? What do their lives revolve around, and what do they focus on and talk about? We build a taxonomy of what seem to be the most important things, maybe the things we most need to understand to “get” how the people think and how the community works.

What kinds of things do you think would make the cut if the list was about you? What do you treasure most, and how does that play out in your day-to-day priorities? In what ways are the people around you the same as you? How are they different? It’s hard to even think in such terms if we have never known anything else. We may just take it for granted that the way we see and navigate the world is the way everybody else does (or ought to).

As a single person living more than 1000 miles from my nearest relation – and with a call on my life closely tied up with the kind of work I do – I have to confess that in many seasons “family” barely made the top 10 on my priority list. Oh, I loved my parents and my sister, but our lives were really not all that intertwined. Work, church, and friendships generally came first. Quests for personal fulfillment, inner peace, and the chance to read just one more chapter of my latest book may have rated even higher. And, to be honest, some simple pleasures like hot showers, coffee, sunshine, exercise, and a good night’s sleep also made the list. Walking with God was priority, if not always at the top; it’s what made all the other pieces work and gave them significance.

Looking at ordinary people in my own culture as well as Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and all kinds of people around the world, I realize how unusual my life has been.

Now I’m married. Now I have a family. Amazing. Who ever thought? The blessings catch me by surprise. Yet so do the responsibilities. Things from Chris’s priority list, or Daniel’s, have to find a place on mine. All I need to do is compromise a bit; it shouldn’t be that hard. But I seem to be out of practice! I never understood how questions like who does the dishes or which way we fold the towels could be such flashpoints in a new marriage, but now I think I get it. Sometimes it feels like my whole way of life is in danger and hangs on things like what kind of light bulbs we use and who decides. One more way I have to change or adjust feels like it will be the final straw. 

I feel pretty ridiculous for responding that way. Guess it’s like the difference between visiting another culture and buying a one-way ticket. I wonder how long it will take for me to get used to this. What would it look like to put family first? How will this play out in the years to come?

If you can remember what it was like to adjust to marriage, I’d love to hear your story. Thanks for praying for us, too. We really appreciate it!

>> See this helpful article: Marriage: The First Year.

Summer Schedule in a House with Teenagers

I was looking forward with gratitude to finishing school for the year - and C. and the kids being done, too. What a blessing to be able to start life together without the work and stress that comes from all four of us having long hours and homework. What I did not realize was that the change of seasons would bring a new commitment - and even after C's contribution, one that takes a good 2-3 hours of my time, every day.

Yup. I'm the taxi service. Both kids are working (different) 2-3 hour shifts for the park service (he's a rookie lifeguard, she's a swim instructor). Neither one has a driver's license, though our girl, H., hopes to get hers soon and has friends who bring her back to us each evening. Our boy, D., strives to make swim practice twice a day and the morning practice is clear on the other side of town - unfortunately not so conveniently timed that I can take him there and stick around to enjoy the adjacent coffee shop, or run errands.

There are a few up-sides to all this back and forth. It forces me to stay organized enough to make the most of the windows of work time that remain. And it allows me some low-key, one-on-one time with each of the kids.

As might be expected, attempts to introduce a bit more job-sharing on the cooking and cleaning chores so I can get more of my work done have seen mixed results. I know most of my friends who are "working moms" have been doing this juggling act all along. It's new to me. And only every other week. So what I'm going to try to do is work 50 hours a week when the kids are with their mom, and 30 when they're with us. We'll see how it goes.

From Addis Ababa to Madison Avenue

An Amsale wedding dress

Remember that wedding dress I got for such a good deal from the consignment shop? Turns out it's made - or, well, designed, anyway - by a fancy-shmancy New York designer. But not just any designer; one with a story.

Amsale (Ahm-sah'-leh) Aberra grew up in Ethiopia and came to the U.S. in 1973 as an international student. A revolution broke out in her country just a few months after she left. Her father, a diplomat, was thrown in prison. Going home did not seem a good option. Amsale stayed in the States to study commercial art and support herself by working odd jobs, starting with a gig as a waitress in a hamburger joint. She was interested in fashion but had no idea she could make a living at it. Nobody in Ethiopia did that! But she did have a Singer sewing machine...

"I would design and sew my own clothes because I couldn't afford to buy new things," she says. She was good at it. By the mid-1980s Amsale had attended the Fashion Institute of Technology and landed a job as assistant designer for a a sportswear company.

Amsale Aberra

When she decided to get married she started looking around for the perfect dress. It was nowhere to be found. Princess Diana had left her mark; all those 1980's dresses seemed just too poufy and overdone. Amsale wanted something simple and elegant. So she made her own, and wondered if there was a unfilled niche in the wedding gown business.

Turned out there was. The custom-wedding-dress company she operated from her Manhattan loft turned into a $20-million business favored by celebrities and high-end department stores like Saks Fifth Avenue and Nordstorm's.

"Dahlia" retails for $7400; a used one
can still set you back a few thousand.

One of her goals is to design clothes that are stylish and fashionable but will still look great in pictures 20 years from now. Yes, she's got a lot of those strapless ballgowns I was trying to avoid, but many of them have clean, classic lines. The tend to be simple and elegant. When the producers of Grey's Anatomy were looking for a wedding dress for a particularly no-nonsense character, they chose one from Amsale. The last one Julia Roberts wore in Runaway Bride - after she'd figured out who she really, authentically was, as a person - it's an Amsale gown.

The dress I bought? I think it must have been from one of her much earlier collections. I haven't been able to find any pictures of it online.

Don't you just love a good story about an immigrant whose dreams came true?

More Amsale gowns

Personal Update - Preparing for Married Life

If you're interested - or even if you're not! - things are rolling along with my preparations for the married life.

Wedding - countdown, 61 days:

1. We picked out Chris's wedding band, had it resized, and got it back. 
2. We ordered the wedding invites. They came while I was on the road. Need to make an insert to include with them as well as buy stamps, work on addresses. Mail them next week?
3. The fire dept. offered to pick up a big chunk of the cost for Chris's pricy Class A uniform, bringing the cost down to a more affordable level. In fact, it will cost us less than my dress. 
4. Still waiting, nervously, for news our bridesmaid dresses have shipped from Singapore. 
5. Finally met the best man. Well, he's more than a-guy-who's-going-to-be-in-our-wedding, I need to look at him as "Chris's good friend." But the first thing I noticed was that he's tall enough to tower over the rest of the wedding party. (Maybe he could kneel...?)
6. I said no to glamor, bought some cute ballet flats to wear with my wedding dress. ($12!)
7. I have a time and place for a bridal shower in Denver (April 28). Now, need to book tickets and make a list of people to invite (and/or other people to see while I'm there?)

House - our new home by the hazelnut orchard!

1. On Friday we heard that our rental application was accepted - though they decided to increase the amount of our deposit by 53% since we're not - individually - rich enough to seem a good risk. Dang!
2. Today we go to the bank for a $2000 cashier's check to show them we want it anyway.
3. Final inspection this week, then they'll let us come sign the papers and get the keys. Not sure when that will happen. Would like to empty out my storage unit this month and start getting the place furnished for Chris and the kids, very soon. Yes, it seems best to us that they get out of his folks' house first, whereas I am happy to stay with R&L as long as they will keep me. They get back into town April 5 and I'll be happy to have housemates again! When the kids are with Chris, though (two weeks of each month) I'm going to have to take more responsibilities as chauffeur and cook, roles Chris's mom has been playing more often than not. Grandma is very sweet about it, but I think she needs a break!  
4. Saturday we bought a set of new mattresses for the bed. Will pick them up once we have house keys.
5. Sunday we found a good price on a comfortable couch and chairs for our living room. Quantities limited, but we'll go to the other store today and try to buy them and take them to his sister's place where she said we can keep them in the garage for a few days.
6. Next up, a dining room table and chairs. Saw some we like but think we ought to get the other stuff in there first before we decide on the size and style for a table. The new place does have a kitchen bar & barstools which will do for a start.
7. I'm trying not to stress out about how we're going to fit what we have/need in this tiny house. Four people (sometimes). One working from home. 1100 square feet. Once we get the keys we can go in and measure. I have this hutch/mirror thing that's been in my family a while and may need to be stashed in the garage, darn it. And need to find a spot (or spots) for those five bookcases of books... 

Mawwage, a Dweam within a Dweam...

Although our attempts to meet with our designated premarital counselor keep hitting snags, we've tried to be proactive about talking and working through what we believe to be the usual stuff! I'd rather have some third-party help on this, but maybe in the end it's more important that we can work on our marriage, together. So that's what we've been trying to do. Money, sex, parents, kids, and more.

Some of you know I'm not a fan of the now-you're-getting-married books and teachings that have a big emphasis on "men are like this, women are like that." You don't have to look far to find folks who fit into any given stereotype, but nor do you have to look far to find those who don't. Sometimes just the mirror...

Knowing there's some good stuff in these kind of books, though, I had my eyes open for some kind of strategy for finding and talking about the bits that really do describe Chris and me. So on our drives to and from Portland recently we talked through my friend David Mays' "book notes" on these two volumes (without taking the time to read the actual books at this point!):

For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women
http://www.davidmays.org/BN/FelForm.html

For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men
http://www.davidmays.org/BN/FelForw.html

Each book hit hard on several points that describe each of us to a T - as well as several that don't fit us at all. Have any of you read them?

A Few Things that Caught My Eye

Knowing I'd have to get up at 4:00am somehow made it harder to sleep, not easier, and I was wide awake at 2:00am, instead. Reached for my iPad and did some reading. Here are a few things I enjoyed and thought you might, too:

Could the most important (and most transformative) command of the scriptures be the command to rest?

"This 'above all' command encourages us to trust in God in a way that no other activity can. So much more could be accomplished by adding another day of labor, but the Sabbath requires us to trust that God will provide for all our needs and that he will continue to manage the world without our help. The Sabbath is a practical reminder that we are completely dependent on God."

How Madeleine L'Engle little-known novel, Camilla, has been made into a movie.

A friend from Denver writes in defense of princesses.

Do Christians really  love people who aren't Christian?

I've been thinking a lot about church - what the church is supposed to be, what I expect from a church. Probably the most eye-opening thing was to realize that in the back of my mind I hope to find a church that will see my fiance, as a crisis chaplain, and me, as a mission mobilizer (or just as, I don't know, us as great people or something) and say, "Wow! Our church would be so blessed to have you." That's not happening. Pride goeth...

Something else I read: Thoughts from a Church Secret Shopper.

Jon Swanson looks at the spiritual discipline of "examen."

Two on singleness, marriage, and selfishness: Marriage: When Pre-Engagement Hopes Meet Reality and Sharing, Closet Space and How to Prepare for Marriage.

Counting the Cost of that Dream Wedding

Go figure, this whole wedding planning endeavor is providing some interesting opportunities to learn about stress management.While doing something that "isn't you" can ratchet up the tension, or expecting things to be perfect, so can "daring to be different." Eccentricity, individuality, personal expression, and the like, those things all take a toll. The wise bride should count the cost before she tries to plan her dream wedding. There's more at stake here than the money and the memories.

Shortly before we got engaged, a friend casually mentioned to me that the pressure of planning and preparing to be married took such a toll on her body that she was sick-ish for about six months after. Oooh, don't want that.

In comparing notes with my stepmother, I took to heart her observation that doing things in a fairly traditional way is just a lot easier; it can save you a lot of trouble. You don't have to come up with your own game plan, you just follow someone else's. I'm also realizing that doing what everybody else does can reduce the stress on other people was well. It's something of a kindness to avoid upsetting other people's applecarts, isn't it? They can rest easy, knowing this is what happens at a wedding, this is what the bride does, this is what the groom does, here's who else is involved, etc. I don't want to think I can please everyone, but it is a factor.

And yet at the same time, people tell me, "This is your day, and it it should be special!" An American wedding holds innumerable opportunities to "express yourself" by doing something unique. Although I feel the tug, each thing I consider doing "not like everybody else does it" comes with an emotional price tag and more stuff to research, assess, decide, and implement.

So... I found a long white dress I actually like. I have two youngish, single, female attendants. I will carry a bouquet. I'll come down the aisle to something classical (though not Lohengrin). We'll say some pretty standard vows. We'll have lunch, and cake, and toasts. We'll skip a few things like drinking and dancing, but we'll have good music. I'm not sure about the garter thing (which smacks of sexual conquest to me), but I will throw my bouquet... before we drive off in Chris's favorite fire truck (OK, maybe that's not traditional!)

My girls are going to wear maroon.

I'll also have wedding "colors." I had subtly thought that to be a silly requirement, but have a new appreciation for it when I look at how many decisions there are to make. Picking colors for your wedding is like buying Garanimals for your children: it greatly increases the chances that your stuff is going to be aesthetically pleasing when you put it all together! A good way to keep from borrowing trouble and taking on headaches you don't need.

We're still vacillating on how to dress our groomsmen, but found something that may work out nicely for the bridesmaids. "Who wouldn't want a dress that can be worn half a dozen different ways?" asked my maid of honor. So we started looking at these wrap dresses that can be worn to suit the 'drothers of the girl (or, should the bride dictate the matter, the bridesmaid can wrap the dress to suit herself on a different occasion).

I did, however, opt for the version produced by this little company in Singapore which sells its wares through Etsy, a web store for independent artists. Nice. But since they are coming from Asia, we can't try the dresses on first. They may take longer to arrive. Returns could be tricky if they don't work out. If they do work out, I'll have something fun and affordable to recommend to friends!

Mail Order

Looks like my favorite Central Asian people group, the Kyrgyz, have weddings on their minds much as I do. As I've mentioned before, as many as two thirds of Kyrgyz marriages and in some places more begin with some level of coercion. The groom and his family arrange to kidnap the bride - often to the surprise of the girl and her parents.

Yet here is an alternative route to the married state... Turns out that Kyrgyzstan is now home to a growing business as a supplier of mail order brides, particularly for grooms from South Korea!
 
>> Read more.

Speaking of mail, I realize Chris and I are a little behind in getting our invitations out - our union being a bit more public and premeditated than that of many a Kyrgyz couple. We worked on them this weekend. I'm about to place my order for 150 printed invitations; we should have them in the mail to our prospective guests before the winds of March are past. Some of the suggested wording we found quite hilarious. Tell me which sappy sample of phraseology tickles you the most:

1.
It was love at first sight
but more important was the moment I realized
that I couldn't imagine my life without you in it
Marti Smith and Chris Wade
invite you to share their joy
as they are married
on Saturday, the twenty-sixth of May...

2.
Like a butterfly in a summer breeze,
our hearts are uplifted by love
It is with joy that we,
Marti Smith
and
Chris Wade
pledge our love as one
on Saturday, the twenty-sixth of May...

3.
He asked, and she said yes . . .
or was it the other way around?
However it happened
Marti Smith
and
Chris Wade
are getting married
and they ask you to join them
on Saturday, May 26th...

A week or two I got an email from one of those let-us-help-you-plan-your-wedding websites, The Knot. Actually they have written to me a number of times and are eager to share help and advice. This particular email congratulated me: only 90 days until my wedding! Also, I should know that there were 198 items on the "checklist" they had created for me... 88 of them overdue. Sigh!

Chris's mom showed me some of her pictures yesterday, an experience that also reminded me that a few decades ago these things were not nearly the production they tend to be, today.

Having accomplished a number of wedding-related tasks over the weekend - including (I can't fathom how they left this one of the list) "pick a fight with your groom" - I thought I'd go in and see how far I could get in persuading The Knot to acknowledge my efforts. I was able to check off or cross off quite a few items. One I was glad to see assigned to "the day of the wedding" was this:

"Thank your parents and tell them that you love them."

Who should be invited?

Trying to make a list of relatives to whom we'll send wedding invitations. First draft (on my side) comes to ~50 people meaningfully connected to me through my four parents, but no more than 25 I'd expect might show up. I sent them (the parents) my list and we'll see how it fleshes out.

Brings to mind an experience from about a decade ago, when I led a team to conduct sociological research in a conservative, tight-knit part of Central Asia. One day most of the team went another rite of passage / social event, a circumcision party. Half of them got sick from eating food that may have been prepared days in advance or perhaps had just been sitting out in the sun too long. Oops.

Well, a party big enough to allow 4-5 foreign gatecrashers without batting an eyelash is probably a good sized party. I don't remember how many people were there but one of the things they reported, after the event was over, was that the father of the boy for whom the event was being held said  he had about 1000 relatives, "maybe 200 close ones."

How would you like to try caring for and feeding that many people?

In many of the places where we've done these research projects, weddings are a huge deal and can really break a family, financially. That's why a typical wedding gift is a generous gift of cash to help cover the wedding expenses. No, we won't be taking an offering. I am pretty sure we can cover this. (Thanks to some help coming from the bride's big collection of parents, it's true.)

In Kyrgyzstan families may get around the cost by eloping. The problem is that the decision is made on the groom's side without consulting the bride. A girl may have no idea what is going on until a coworker, classmate - maybe her crush or boyfriend, but just as likely a perfect stranger - pulls to the side of the road when she's walking alone some day, grabs her, and carries her off.

Kyrgyz bride and groom (source)

Bride-napping is one of those deeply "cultural" practices which open-minded Westerners have trouble assessing. What do you do when a widespread tradition happens to be a huge affront to human rights, involving violence, coercion, and usually rape?

"It was good enough for me, it's good enough for you," the mother-in-law instructs her new household servant. This has been going on for generations.

Well, on a lighter note: Yesterday I bought my wedding dress. A relief to have made that step, though finishing the outfit is of course a little more difficult than the daily task of deciding if my socks should match my shirt. The shop will get it professionally cleaned and I'll have to arrange to have it altered. I'll probably buy some new shoes, fancy undergarments, jewelry, and more.

Looks like I'll have my mom weave a silk sash to go with the dress. Oh, and I think I'm going to wear a hat. It's Chris's sister's, and looks great with the new dress. By the way, if I were dressing like one of those Central Asian brides, I'd probably also wear a hat. I'm afraid that for me, their hats a little too ... smurfy (see right). What do you think? Do a Google Images search on Kyrgyz hats for many more of the sort!

I'm glad that our cultural traditions do not forbid the bride from smiling, as is the case in many of the traditional cultures which I've visited.

February Newsletter

Ah, back in the old days when I was wiser - or, at least, more constrained by policy - I sent my newsletters out nearly every month and always had them checked over by a couple people before they went out. (I also had to go to a print shop to have half-tones of my photos created, and relied heavily on the ancient folding machine on the first floor of our office building!)

Nowadays I spend a couple hours creating a letter and mail-merge it to go out through email. Sometimes the results are less worth reading. Usually I find at least a few odd mistakes within hours of pushing "send." Such was the case with this one. Here's the amended text of a newsletter I sent to 419 addresses just yesterday.

LIVING THE LIFE OF A NEARLYWED

Dear friends,

Hey, it’s been quite a while since I’ve sent a regular newsletter! I’ve been to South Carolina, Washington, Florida (twice) and… yeah, I’m even starting to feel more at home in my new digs in Eugene, Oregon. No snow here, but plenty of rain. Sun even comes out from time to time. I love living amid trees and rivers and lakes, and, of course, being near my love.

The big news of course is that right before Thanksgiving (as anticipated) Chris officially asked me to marry him. Guess what? I said yes!

May 26 – the Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend – is the big day. Want to come? I’m working on a guest list and hope to set up a website to help coordinate things and include folks who will have to cheer us on from afar.

We’ll have a ceremony and reception that afternoon in Eugene. It will be at the Bethesda Lutheran, the church where Chris grew up (outside, if weather permits!) Other details are falling into place.

In the next month or so I hope to settle the question of The Dress. Somehow, without noticing it, I crossed a threshold and started going to more funerals than weddings. So I didn’t notice that since the days when my friends got married, all brides started wearing strapless ball gowns that would look waaay better on my old Barbie than on me! For myself, I hope to find something with sleeves. That may be a vain hope (in more ways than one). I may still go with some fabulous colorful outfit from overseas. That might suit me better, but it would certainly bewilder others!

At any rate, who ever thought that this day would come? I am grateful and happy to be marrying Chris and starting a new life with him and the kids (who are, by the way, doing just fine with all this).

Current Challenges:

– Travel. I’ll be making four more trips to the Southeast or Midwest before we get married. This helps the time pass more quickly, but being one time zone further West (and 2+ hours from the major airport) is taking more out of me than I had anticipated. And yes, I’ll stay put as much as I can after we tie the knot!

– Wedding planning. I’m not an event planner, but a bride – unless she’s young, rich, and/or surrounded by hyper-involved family members – cannot get out of planning “her” big day. Stressful. Pray for peace and for things to come together at the right time.

– Overcoming Oregon’s version of the Seattle Freeze. I’ve really felt it at church. Finally got up my courage to ask a nice Christian lady to have coffee with me; she got a deer-in-the-headlights look and scurried away. Sigh.

– Time management. Never my strong suit, but now… How can I get a full-day’s work done, be there for Chris and the family, keep up with school, and still pursue other interests and relationships or just get some rest? I’m still trying to find what would feel like a healthy balance with these things!

– Preparing to become a wife. Many of you either have a wife or you are one. If that is the case – or even if it isn’t – perhaps you could pray for us as we lay the tracks for our new life together.

Much appreciated! 

GRADUATE SCHOOL

Since I last wrote, I’ve finished my second Old Testament class – it was awesome! – and flown to South Carolina for two weeks of intensive courses there. I’m still finishing the coursework for classes on urban church planting and issues in contemporary Islam. This weekend I will try to knock out a 12-page paper: “In the war for the hearts and minds of Muslims around the world, what would it take to empower the moderates and open-minded and marginalize the fanatics?” When I solve that little problem and finish these two classes, I’ll be 25% done with my M.A.

--> Interested in what can we learn from the New Testament that might shape our perspective on Holy Land theology? See Gary Burge’s book slender but powerful book, Jesus and the Land.

SCHEDULE / TRAVEL

February 20 – Next online class starts

February 27-28 – Perspectives, Indiana

March 5-6 – Perspectives, Louisiana

March 18-23 – Meetings in Florida

<-- Here we are all dressed up for the volunteer fire department’s annual awards banquet. Chris, an EMT and chaplain, was honored for being one of the department’s top responders. 

CHURCH PARTNERSHIP NEWS

Remember that big research project I conducted to help Pioneers understand how our supporting churches see and do global outreach? If you’d like a copy of the summary report, send me an email and I’ll share it with you.

My next project for the Church Partnerships Team is a revision of the Missions Assessment Profile. This tool was first developed in the 1980s to help church leaders describe how they were doing in their mission programs. The world and the church have changed so much since then! Turning this into something that feels contemporary is pretty challenging – especially for someone like me who tends to be skeptical of multiple-choice or true/false evaluations of anything that seems very complex. I’d appreciate it if you’d join me in asking God for guidance on how to handle this project well. Thanks!

I’ll also be joining the Church Partnerships Team in Orlando for a week of meetings March 18-23, including a Church Partner Forum on the topic “Unleashing the Global Impact of Your Church.”

Never a Mommy

I find myself in an interesting spot, getting ready to marry a guy named "Dad." I mean, that's one of his names, and since he's had it for almost 18 years he's pretty accustomed to it. The kids have never known him any other way. Most of his friends and family members probably take it for granted that a dad is what he "is."

So what will it mean to be a dad's wife? Of course it will make me a stepmother. As the experts say (and my own experience teaches me), that's the kind of role you have to grow into. The kids seem pretty much OK with me but it may well  be years after the ceremony before they drop the mental note that "she's not really family." We'll see. I don't want to be maudlin or impatient about it; it's only fair.

I'm also thankful that they are well supplied when it comes to family relationships. They have a mother, grandmothers, an aunt or two, teachers, coaches, and more. So it's not like I have some big gap to fill. They don't need me for anything; whatever love or help or encouragement I have to offer may just be icing on the cake. That's kind of a relief. Plus I have the example of my own stepmother. Following in her footsteps, I think, will take me far.

One of my concerns since the beginning of this relationship has been how to deal with the knowledge that I don't really know what I'm doing. Marriage? Parenting? Sex? I haven't had the class; I don't have the years of training and experience under my belt. I have lots of other life skills, but am way behind  most of my peers on these things! I'm never going to catch up.

I do find it helpful, however, to count my blessings in this matter. I've had decades to pursue other interests. I have a broad - if sometimes not too deep - network of friends and acquaintances to turn to for help and encouragement. And by the grace of God that includes many dear people who want to see me do well and who are now reaching the stage in life where their lives no longer revolve around all those young-family issues that I missed out on. They have more time and energy - and notably, more wisdom - to help out an old friend like me as I begin exploring what is to me, brand new territory. 

Chris can't have any more children. I have always felt a bit ambiguous about the question, myself - certainly not so gung-ho as to pursue motherhood by any means and at any cost, as some feel led to do. Now it's pretty clear to me that even though I'm marrying a guy named Dad, I will never be a mommy.

As good as the mommy-life can be - as much as it can do to shape a woman's life and character and nurture the next generation - I think maybe it's God's mercy that this challenge is not mine. We'll be able to sleep through the night and pay the bills and have plenty of time and energy to serve each other and other people. Including his two mostly grown children. And while I'll never get to hold my baby in my arms, the grandmother thing? That could still happen and probably will.

For someone who's never been a mommy, what a gift.

Personal Update - Engagement

Well, now, it's official. Privately, C. and I agreed way back in July that we were going to get married, but now I have this fancy ring on my finger and need to brush off my French and start saying the word "fiance."

Oh, yeah, and plan a wedding. In an ideal world my personal assistant would work on that for me. If my life were a movie, my mom or best friend would get in those trenches with me. In the world I actually live in, it's going to have to be simple, and I'm asking God to guide and fuel the process so it can be a special day, beautiful but not too complicated. I'm so glad I was able to make the transition to Oregon first!

I'd asked C. not to propose until after I'd moved. Maybe Thanksgiving. We'd talked about having a gathering of friends and family to celebrate with us, but again, that's more a dream world than the kind of thing we could really pull off. A young friend, the daughter of my friends J. & L., just had that kind of experience. She thought it was just a party. Her boyfriend surprised her when, her close-knit family gathered round, he proposed. But she's young, and her family much less fragmented. What worked for them would require the kind of relationships that I just don't have. Especially right after a cross-country move. 

After considering timing and possibilities, C. decided it would be better to seal the deal before, rather than during or after, the Thanksgiving holiday, and not in front of other people. Maybe in a holy and special place. Not the best time of year for a mountaintop or alpine meadow; it would have to be someplace indoors. Perhaps one that represented the cloud of witnesses that, even if they can't be gathered around to clap and cheer, nevertheless could not be more pleased that we are taking this step.

So he proposed to me at church this Sunday. I like that. C. always likes to be early for things so it didn't strike me as odd when he told me he'd pick me up at 9:30 for the 10:00 service, less than 10 minutes' drive from my house. Of course, since I'd arrived home the night before from a trip the East Coast, I had been up since 5:00. Uh huh; jet lag. So C. and I were early to church. When he ushered me into the sanctuary at 9:45 I wondered what he had in mind. He pulled out a little box... "Oh, this is the place," I said, since he'd told me he'd chosen the place where he'd ask me. I opened the box. A necklace? The gold chain was a birthday present, he said. And a good place for the promise ring, the "place holder" I'd been wearing since the beginning of the summer. Most people thought it was an engagement ring, but he wanted to get me something more.

The necklace tangled badly, immediately. C. was trying to straighten it out the whole time he made his speech. I can't tell you all he said; I was distracted by the knots. But he asked if I'd marry him, and I said yes. The promise ring went on the chain around my neck.

A second box held the engagement ring and the wedding band that will join it sometime this summer. He put the first one on my finger, and I smiled and kissed him.  It is a lovely ring! And he is a wonderful man. He adores me. I'm pleased with him and honored by the invitation to become his wife.

Perfect? Well, maybe not, but somehow just that we're together I can let go of perfect.

I would have loved it if we could tell the pastor and after the service began he'd announce it, with a big grin, and everybody would clap and maybe even stop and pray for us. Again, dream world. Neither of us is known in the church; those who I've met know I came out to marry C. and maybe they would not see the actual engagement as much of  step at all. I'm hoping when we get up to Washington sometime next month, I can announce it and introduce him during the service and get, perhaps, the response I desire. Maybe. Maybe not.

The sermon was actually very timely for me as I was rejoicing in my good fortune while quietly grieving my transplanted state. It spoke to the fact that our roots are now planted in heaven, and we don't need to keep looking to the world around us for pleasure or purpose or significance. This isn't home. We may not have the life or community we want, here, but that doesn't mean those desires are bad; they're actually going to find their fulfillment in the world to come. What does it mean to live in light of that reality, today?

I give my desire for attention a little mental poke. Does that hurt? A little. But the swelling has gone down. My love and I are together, brought together by the God who holds us in his hand, and maybe I don't need the affirmation of the world to feel safe and treasured. To know that I matter. Sigh. Wouldn't it be nice if this were not a question? Yet even if this adolescent-like thing I struggle with is not a permanent condition, perhaps its existence is going to prove of some use to me, as the years unfold. Is there some way God wants to use this, instead of just healing me and taking it away?

We did get the encouragement I'd wished for when we changed our relationship status on Facebook later in the day. Today's version of the great cloud of witnesses! More than 100 people left comments and congratulations. 

After church we talked to a few people, went out to lunch, and made our way to Best Buy where I made a scary decision to go ahead and spend my very generous supply of birthday money on an iPad 2. I was thinking about a Nook or Kindle but since the iPad can do all they can and much more... probably a big help for both work and school, I went for it.

Buying expensive and unnecessary electronics actually freaked me out more than the engagement, in a way. We got a substantial case and extended warranty for the iPad - somewhat to my comfort - but that did make handing over my Visa card $200 more painful. At the last minute I remembered I had a coupon from Best Buy, somewhere in my "desk stuff" box. Would it cover things like this? I didn't know, but I brought the thing anyway. (Found the coupon today. Nope, it did not apply).

Seems kind of funny that I came home, that day, with both a big ol' engagement ring and an iPad. I'm rather glad the engagement ring attaches me to my very own IT department. Yes, among his many skills and talents, C. is a tech guy. And to his credit, one who doesn't mind that I have an iPad 2 and he only has an iPad 1! (See, he is a keeper!)

Next on the agenda for our busy day was bowling. Yup. We swung by C.'s house to pick up the kids and headed over the fire station. C. packed up gear in one of the bright-red trucks - in case there was a call during the afternoon - and drove us in it to the bowling alley for the volunteer fire department's annual bowing and pizza event.

One of the fire dept. girls squealed when C. told her we were engaged now. Apparently he's talked about me a great deal. And since he's in the habit of going around showing my picture to people, they all knew who I was. Bowling and pizza I could take or leave, but it was great to be included. I was expected to be there, really. I bowled terribly, but enjoyed talking to some new people - including the high school senior now dating C's 18-year-old daughter.

We wrapped it up with a family birthday party and an ice cream cake back at the house. I was one of the honorees, actually, having reached the ripe old age of 41 about 10 days earlier. The other was D., C.'s son, recently turned 15. With seven teenagers and five adults, things were pretty lively.

C. and I slipped away to call my closest family members with the news of our engagement. Then we went to a hot-tub place - a pricy but pleasant indulgence for when we want to be alone together. This seemed like a good day for it.

So, now we can move toward the next chapter. C. would really like to nail down a lot of the wedding details before the end of January. For you Myers-Briggs fans, he's all "J" and I'm more of a "P," so where he feels the need for closure I resist committing to a course too soon. He's more stressed by the lack of decision, I'm more stressed when I feel pressured to make a decision. I'd prefer to do what needs to be done as I feel it needs to be done - not before. Not when I don't know what I want. I can't picture how to either pursue or let go of my dreams - most of which have to do much less with things like dresses and flowers and more with things I can't control like who should come and how they should behave.

We're aiming for June. I'm hoping to pull off a wedding for less than, say, $5000. Think it can be done?

Beautiful Dresses

The "Beautiful Girl" number in Singing in the Rain

When I think of what I'd feel fabulous wearing - say, as a wedding dress - the things I don't like come to mind faster than the things I do.

And topping the list would be gowns that show off my armpits.

Yup. I want sleeves.

Sigh. What is it with formal wear? Just about everything I see these days is sleeveless, often  featuring a plunging neckline and/or bare back. Most are strapless, actually. I'd say 90% of the wedding gowns I see for sale are topless - er, I mean, strapless.

They look fine on the models, but it's hard to imagine such a thing on myself. It seems that sleeves (except itty-bitty capped sleeves) have become severely unfashionable.

I don't think this was the case a decade or two ago when most of my friends were getting married. Was it? Didn't most of them have straps, sleeves, something of the sort?

Does wanting my skin covered in public - especially on a day when I want to look my best - mark me as hopelessly out of date? Even on the Mormon modest-bride website, sleeves were in short-supply. Hmmm...

Oh, I will try some of them on, those sexy numbers, but since I never ever wear sleeveless shirts, I don't see how I could enjoy wearing a dress like that.

Also:
- I don't want to pay much more than $200.
- I don't look good in white - nor in ivory or pastels. I'm more the jewel-tone type.

Any chance that finding a classic pattern along lines that I like, buying my own fabric, and finding a lady who likes to sew could keep the price down? Or is that more likely to make it go up?

Why can't wedding dresses
look more like this? (source).
How about it? Same dress comes
in black (bridesmaids?)
I'd still wear a veil and carry
flowers. Too plain?

I may still end up in a fluffy white topless - er, I mean, strapless - dress, off the rack, and be happy with it - after all, it's just for one day. I haven't tried any on yet, and maybe they wouldn't look and feel as bad as I imagine.

But I'm toying with the idea of going "ethnic." South Asia has the best clothes; in my opinion no improvement can be made on a silk salwar kameez, especially the longer ones that look less like pantsuits and more like dresses. How about one of those in fuchsia or crimson?

Lovelife FAQ

In continuing the theme of my previous post, transparency: A couple of friends with a soft spot for love stories have asked for more info on this relationship I'm in. Who is this guy I'm dating, and what's our story? I'm a little shy about showing my inmost thoughts, but maybe this is a good venue to share the facts.

Who is this guy? His name is Chris.

What's he like? He's kind, friendly, stable, positive, helpful, and in other ways wonderful. And he's made it a high priority to love and encourage me. I'm amazed by that.

Where does he live? Eugene, Oregon.

Where did you meet? About 20 years ago when we were both in college. We've stayed in touch in an exchange-Christmas-cards-and-newsletters kind of way. We were fans and supporters of each other's ministries and used to encourage one another and talk shop. But of course, he was married, so neither of us saw the other as anything but a platonic friend.

Oh, he was married? Yes. Divorced painfully (but finally) several years ago.

Any kids? Two teenagers: a 17-year-old daughter and 14-year-old son. Yes, I've met them and I really like them, though we haven't had much time together at this point. They split time between their dad's and their mom's nearby. Chris is a real family guy. "Cool - package deal!" I'm thinking - though I know that building a life together may hold significant adjustments for someone like me who's lived such a different story thus far.

How did you get together? Went on a date last August, another in December, and started communicating more, and then...

How long have you been an item? Since the beginning of February. Mostly long distance, obviously. Got to change that. Though I'm grateful for technological developments. Long-distance phone calls no longer cost an arm and a leg and we can even video-conference pretty easily, every day, even when I'm traveling. That's been a great help in staying connected, getting to know one another, and keeping things fairly "real."

Is he into missions, too? Yes and no. He's more of a hands-on "ministering to human need" kind of guy. He enjoys serving people and loving God. Serves as a volunteer EMT and chaplain for his local fire department. He's got a medical-ish day job as well, enough to pay the bills while he works on an MDiv degree to qualify him as a full-time chaplain down the road.

The global missions world I swim in is part of his background, though: Chris was a mission major in college. In fact, he was on his way to serve in Africa in the mid-90s when his mission agency discovered he was a techie and asked him to come to HQ as their first webmaster and internet-based mission mobilizer. He did that for a decade. And as I said, we were big fans of each other's ministries and helped each other regularly during that time. No, he doesn't want to be a webmaster anymore; not enough interaction with people.

Chris can see being a missionary... but also loves living out his faith in a more secular world, too.

At first I thought this relationship wouldn't work because we seem to be on different paths in ministry. Yet as long as we value and support each other's service - and we do - the differences don't seem to be a deal-breaker. We both have diverse skills and interests. How God might lead us to serve together down the road is an open question.

What's next? For the sake of the kids, of course, Chris needs to stay in Eugene. I'm in a position to be more flexible. I'm preparing to move so we can be together. It's rather handy that after going to college there I know I like the city, climate, and culture. It's closer to my family and old stomping grounds in Washington, too. My supervisor is supportive of the move. I believe I can continue my work from there - including raising support to cover salary, benefits, and expenses. (My budget may change a little but it's more likely to go up than down.)

How can we pray for you? Ask God for an affordable and appropriate living situation for me. I've got some commitments in Denver in early October but would like to move after that. It's a little awkward at this point: I'm not sure I can move until I've got a place to live, but may not be able to find a place to live until I'm ready to move. But that's just logistics, and it's not the main thing. Pray for our relationship to continue to grow in fruitful ways. Ask God to guide us. And please lift up the kids. Thanks!

He Sends Me Flowers

My love is a romantic. He'd love to send me flowers every day. Even if he could afford that, such extravagant displays would leave me embarrassed and uncomfortable. We've found a good work-around. He snaps pictures when he's out and about and sends them to me by email, usually with a love note. Once a week, once a day, sometimes more. I have his words to go back to again and again, and the flowers never wilt or fade. 

He never tells me where he takes the pictures. Chris is in and out of hospitals and nursing homes every day; he provides medical transportation for those who need more than a taxi, less than an ambulance. "Driving Miss Daisy," he calls it. "Only Miss Daisy is in a wheelchair." So I'm sure some of those who give or receive these bouquets associate them with pain and loss. For us, though, they are sheer beauty.