Denver Interlude and Holiday Plans

A recent trip to Florida for meetings offered me the chance to stop and spend time in Colorado, my old stomping ground, on the way home. There I did for the first time something I've been doing for almost 20 years on trips to Washington - I set up about a dozen appointments for lunch, dinner, or coffee as a means of strengthening relationships with supporters and significant friends. It's the first time I've made a trip like that to Colorado, though, in the two years since I moved away.

The family I invited myself to stay with (!) seemed a little bemused by this process... it being, I suppose, an unusual one. I'd been doing this for so many years I'd sort of forgotten how much our culture has shifted and how busy people's lives have become. Making time to get together with a friend - one with whom your paths might not naturally cross - is a luxury many cannot afford.

I'm glad - grateful - that it's actually part of my job to do this. It's one of the best ways folks who follow this full-time ministry lifestyle can ensure they are not forgotten but still have relationships back "home" (and hopefully prayer and financial support when that is needed as well).

During the several days I spent in Denver, I ran into and/or remembered others I'd love to catch up with, too. From that vantage point, continuing the process seemed do-able. Now that I'm back in Oregon, with all the responsibilities for work, house, family, and school settling back around my shoulders, I have a harder time picturing myself do this. I haven't even returned messages received from some of those I began to pursue but was not able to see.

One person I met with is a good friend who is single, and who as we spoke alluded to the awkwardness she feels about this week's Thanksgiving holiday. It hasn't been that long; how could I have forgotten what it's like to be single on Thanksgiving? Wondering where you will go, who will invite you and when... the delicate process of answering the inquiries of others when you are not sure they are about to extend an offer or, not interested in accepting it!

The question would come up at church or the office: "What are you doing for Thanksgiving? You'd be welcome to join us if you have no other place to go!" Usually I received several offers on those unflattering terms. Maybe I could go one place for dinner, and drop in elsewhere for pie and coffee? Would that be too weird? Would I feel like the pathetic add-on person and wish I'd skipped the whole thing and just stayed home?

My marriage has generally made my life more complicated, but it does simplify and answer the question of who I'll be with on the holidays. This year's Thanksgiving feast is conveniently close - as will be, I imagine, every holiday that we stay in Eugene. No need to go over the river or through the woods: Grandma Wade lives less than ten blocks away.

I'm a little more bent toward variety than tradition, but tradition wins this time. And I'll include some of my own favorite traditions though they differ from those of my new family. I'll make pumpkin pie from scratch and watch the Macy's parade. And this year I'll try to practice an unholiday-like moderation, as well, as I continue to diet. The pounds and inches are not melting off very quickly, I admit. But I do feel better and am managing to keep the doctor's orders fairly well. When I go see her again next year, I hope there will be less of me.

Restraint has an appeal all its own. It offers a simplicity and clarity which feasting cannot offer. This time of year I often think of my first Thanksgiving in Eugene way back in college days, which began with the usual feast but was followed by three days of ramen and apple slices. I suppose that even that year, the Wade family was gathered almost ten miles north of me in the big house where we'll go this Thursday.

Some thoughts about divorce

I've been thinking about the uneven treatment given to single moms and single dads. I wonder how much our culture's growing respect and support for single moms as victim/heroes increases the tendency of frustrated women to desert their husbands and leave their marriages. Because, for whatever reason or reasons, almost all divorce proceedings in America are initiated by women. Offering support to divorced or divorcing women is better than stigmatizing them, to be sure, but there must be a way to be supportive of women and of marriage, too?

In relatively few cases does it seem appropriate to ask why someone isn't married anymore. Is it anybody else's business, after all? Usually the answer is no. But that doesn't mean people don't make assumptions. And more often than not, I think the assumption about a single mom is that she was in a bad marriage or relationship and he left her. Or even if she did the leaving, things were so bad it's a good thing she got out... she'd taken as much as she could from him, she gave it her best go while he was blind to her needs. That's the story I hear a lot of women tell. So we all need to gather round her and the kids and help them out. So she's the victim, or she's the hero, or both. That storyline rings true for some single moms, to be sure. Maybe a lot of them. Many of them lose tremendously in a divorce and never make up the ground.

But what this cost us, as a society? I keep coming across women who left their marriages without much justification and are being honored by others for their decision to stand up for themselves and go the single-mom route. And I think that's a problem because of the effect that it has on their husbands, kids, the grandparents who end up pick up the pieces and paying the bills, and the other women who watch and get misleading ideas about what marriage is supposed to be and what smart choices look like. Because while being married is a struggle, divorce has a viciously high price tag of its own, and many a bad marriage can turn into a good one with the passing of years.

It used to bug me when I'd hear about all these church outreaches to single moms. As a single woman who never had children I was a little jealous of how much people would bend over to help single moms. After all, I was all alone, didn't make that much money either, and I could use help with car repairs and yard work, too! Why the breaks for women who got pregnant? Now that I've had a taste of parenting I think I understand a little better.

In marrying a single dad, I've seen how the narrative about single moms affects the single dads. After his wife deserted their marriage, C. discovered how much people in the community – and, especially, the church – respond to divorced men with subtle suspicion. People treated him differently. As if he must love the kids less, have abused or betrayed his wife, been the one who abandoned them, and who perhaps continues to neglect as much as ever or more. The way people treat a single dad suggests a belief if a man is divorced, it must be because he blew it. Is that what they think?

Divorced or divorcing women don't get that same message. They are treated given the benefit of the doubt, supported, rallied around. With some girl-power thinking thrown in for extra measure. Not that I want them demonized, but what about defending husbands and fathers, or at least dropping this prejudice and discrimination against them? Many a single dad may be struggling to get by, deeply committed to his kids and making sacrifices to serve them, and just as frustrated by the shuttling back and forth, shared holidays, and tensions over differing values between two households.

I was quite mindful of those stereotypes myself. I asked a lot of questions before I was willing to get serious about C. I didn't say yes to him until I was satisfied. Some of the people who didn't get to hear the answers for themselves remained a little worried and afraid on my behalf.

All this suggests to me that many people don't believe in no-fault divorce as much as they may claim. They suspect he betrayed her or drove her to leave him, that he is more to blame. Why is that? Is there any way we can say whether one party is more to blame than the other? If not, why this prejudice? If so, is it "true" in any objective or measurable sense that men are worse at marriage and parenting, or more to blame for divorce, than women are?

Never a Mommy

I find myself in an interesting spot, getting ready to marry a guy named "Dad." I mean, that's one of his names, and since he's had it for almost 18 years he's pretty accustomed to it. The kids have never known him any other way. Most of his friends and family members probably take it for granted that a dad is what he "is."

So what will it mean to be a dad's wife? Of course it will make me a stepmother. As the experts say (and my own experience teaches me), that's the kind of role you have to grow into. The kids seem pretty much OK with me but it may well  be years after the ceremony before they drop the mental note that "she's not really family." We'll see. I don't want to be maudlin or impatient about it; it's only fair.

I'm also thankful that they are well supplied when it comes to family relationships. They have a mother, grandmothers, an aunt or two, teachers, coaches, and more. So it's not like I have some big gap to fill. They don't need me for anything; whatever love or help or encouragement I have to offer may just be icing on the cake. That's kind of a relief. Plus I have the example of my own stepmother. Following in her footsteps, I think, will take me far.

One of my concerns since the beginning of this relationship has been how to deal with the knowledge that I don't really know what I'm doing. Marriage? Parenting? Sex? I haven't had the class; I don't have the years of training and experience under my belt. I have lots of other life skills, but am way behind  most of my peers on these things! I'm never going to catch up.

I do find it helpful, however, to count my blessings in this matter. I've had decades to pursue other interests. I have a broad - if sometimes not too deep - network of friends and acquaintances to turn to for help and encouragement. And by the grace of God that includes many dear people who want to see me do well and who are now reaching the stage in life where their lives no longer revolve around all those young-family issues that I missed out on. They have more time and energy - and notably, more wisdom - to help out an old friend like me as I begin exploring what is to me, brand new territory. 

Chris can't have any more children. I have always felt a bit ambiguous about the question, myself - certainly not so gung-ho as to pursue motherhood by any means and at any cost, as some feel led to do. Now it's pretty clear to me that even though I'm marrying a guy named Dad, I will never be a mommy.

As good as the mommy-life can be - as much as it can do to shape a woman's life and character and nurture the next generation - I think maybe it's God's mercy that this challenge is not mine. We'll be able to sleep through the night and pay the bills and have plenty of time and energy to serve each other and other people. Including his two mostly grown children. And while I'll never get to hold my baby in my arms, the grandmother thing? That could still happen and probably will.

For someone who's never been a mommy, what a gift.

Refreshingly Wholesome...

I've been invited to a bridal shower next week.

Haven't been to one in a while, most of my contemporaries having wed a decade or so ago.

Honestly, these can be somewhat painful events. Sometimes I'm caught off guard by jealousy or exclusion, particularly if there's a focus on things I try not to dwell on. (I don't appreciate dirty jokes.)

But this time the invitation came with this request:

[Bride] and [groom] have sought to maintain a high level of physical, emotional, and mental purity when it comes to romance and affection, so let's honor their wishes in gift choices and conversation at the shower.

Answering Questions

I just read an article with some suggestions from Christian singles about how to answer the question "Why aren't you married?"

Several said that short, simple answers were best, and less likely to offend. But every answer seemed to assume that the desired result was to end the line of questioning – to redirect or end the conversation.

I suppose that's reasonable. But when people reach out to us, no matter how awkwardly, it seems a pity that our response should be to shut them down. I know I don't like to be treated like that.

By the way, I leave Saturday morning for my first of three trips in three weeks. To start off this season I thought I'd treat myself with a night in a hotel (the rest of the time I’ll be around people a lot, and staying with various families). And, since I'll be footloose and fancy free, not to mention in possession of a rental car, and it being Valentine's Day... maybe dinner and a movie? No, not a chick flick; I was thinking of Slumdog Millionaire.

What Are You Grateful For / Would You Rather?

In the US we celebrate a Thanksgiving holiday this week. I have ambiguous feelings about this occasion (see my Thanksgiving post from 2006). You wouldn't think there would be that much about it that could be ambiguous, would you, unless, say, it falls near the death or anniversary of the death of a loved one. Who would not love Thanksgiving?

Aside from some minor gluttony it's a pretty untarnished holiday. I usually get to spend relaxed, satisfying time with people I really like and often meet some new people as well, and there's plenty of time to hang out, and a spirit of love, and gratitude, and good stuff like that, and there's usually leftover pumpkin pie.

It's Not About the Food

But sometimes I balk at the part that occurs in so many Thanksgiving gatherings where people talk about how thankful they are for their family. It's not that I don't have any family, or that my family doesn't love me - they do. But the core definition of family, for someone in their 30s, is usually, "my spouse and my kids," and I don't have those.

Yes, I'm foolish and small-minded: I don't like to be reminded that what other people consider the very most important, wonderful aspect of their lives lies behind a door that (thus far) has been closed to me.

It stirs up this question within me: Is it really possible to have a full, meaningful life if that life does not include that which most people find filling and giving meaning to their lives? I have my doubts. My feelings could go either way on that, depending on the day.

Generally, though, I have to say yes. The fact that some of the most wonderful or happiest people have been single seems pretty solid evidence that being married (and having kids) is not "necessary."

My friend Fiona shared some good thoughts about this well in her recent post on singleness. She says that singleness includes an invitation to that of which marriage is but a reflection...

Would You Rather?

For me the question, "Do you want to be married, or are you glad to be single?" is a complicated one. I suppose there are many singles who would say, yes, definitely, if I had my way I'd be married, that's what I'd prefer. But when someone makes the assumption one way or the other about me I feel slightly guilty, thinking, what have I said to give the wrong impression - that for sure I would rather be married, or that I'm quite content in my singleness? Neither is entirely true. For me it's one of those slightly impossible "would you rather" questions.

And after all, it is a rather abstract, unanswerable question, because every marriage is somewhat different. Nobody gets married "in general," we enter into very specific contracts of marriage with an actual person. And "Would you rather be married to _________ or be single?" is not a question I have to answer (and probably should not try to) unless ________ asks, "will you marry me?"

A MORE impossible version of the 'married or single' question, one people in our culture seldom ask (though I've often had it in other countries), is "Why aren't you married?" Who can answer "why" questions with total confidence? One can come up with all kinds of theories for ourselves or others, but are they really true? Is singleness a decision I made, or a series of decisions, or something that happened to me (or didn't!)?

Baby

I did realize recently that I cannot remember the last time I held a baby in my arms. Two years ago? Three? Now that is a problem. And surely there is something I can do about it!

See all posts on the topic of singleness, here.

Femininity: Fact of Life or Social Fiction?

Readers, scroll down for my comments on "Ruby Slippers," a great book which provides a roomier definition of femininity than you'll find in most Christian circles. You might also enjoy the author's blog, here.

* * *

I’ve written a few times about the questions I have about what it mean to be feminine.

I especially have questions about what it means for Christians – those of us who are seeking ways to get the tarnish rubbed off and uncover the image of God underneath, to find the signs of the Creator’s fingerprints on stuff like our bodies and souls – to deal with the fact that some of us are male, and some of us are female.

Besides the whole bit about having sex and babies – which is all very well and good - rather appealing - but not part of my life and possibly never will be – I’m not sure what’s really behind all this gender business, and where to go with it.

You wouldn’t have to be Christian to have these questions, I know. But I’m just saying I’m asking them from that perspective. I think that if I were a straight-out humanist – as I was before this journey I’m on began sometime back in the 80’s – I probably wouldn’t have the same questions. Maybe I’d just say: Hey, you’re you, I’m me, deal with it. Everything else is societal and cultural, and we can each decide how much we want to go along with the expectations of others or not: femininity is just a popular fiction. I’ll decide how much of it I want to embrace, and how much of it I want to reject, and take the consequences as they come.

Well, I suppose I could still take that line. But I do believe there is a better way… not that things are supposed to be all black and white but that there is probably some intelligent design in this whole thing. I don’t think femininity and masculinity are just myths. I think there’s something to them. But the question is, what?

Unfortunately, the intelligent design of this gender business is buried in (among other kinds of refuse) centuries of pretty inadequate philosophy and theology, often dressed up with bad science or faulty exegesis. So, as an intellectual, I rebel.

And as someone who doesn’t seem to fit most of the molds of what women “are” like, I find the whole thing pretty darn upsetting at times. The jokes, assumptions, expectations, or Christian teachings about what women are supposed to want, or care about, or how our minds work, or what our needs are, or what we bring to the world, well, it just doesn’t hold up very well. You don’t have to look far for examples of women who DO seem to fit into the various molds but nor do you have to look far for women who don’t. Sometimes just in the mirror.

Very, very few of the women in my church, for example, go to “women’s ministry” groups or retreats – they just don’t care for that sort of thing. Not that they don’t like being women, or being with women, but most attempts to find a “common denominator” for what women need or prefer result in something that many, many of us look at and say: not me.

Apparently I have some unhealed wounds in this area, or I would not react as strongly as I do. But I’d like to start with some solid thinking about masculinity and femininity – Christian thinking, but the real kind, not all wrapped up in the nonsense that, not surprisingly, creeps into Christian practice just as much as it does into anything else.

New Book

I’m reading a book that has a refreshing take on all this stuff. Ruby Slippers suggests there’s a different way for Christians to look at femininity. Remember how one of the stepsisters in Cinderella cut off her toe, another her heel, to fit into shoes that were not made for them? Trying to be “feminine” and fit into “women’s roles” can be like that. There’s a better way, a pair of shoes (if you’re one of those women who’s into shoes…) that is actually a good fit, actually right for your feet – troublesome as they may still be, they are the shoes that will take you home (like Dorothy’s ruby slippers, hence the title).

Yes, Jonalyn does produce a (short, flexible) list of characteristics that she regards as “feminine,” but she spends 100 pages laying a foundation before she’ll tell you what they are, and then she calls them “family resemblances,” not some kind of a checklist. (Just because you don’t have the cheekbones your mother did doesn’t make you less part of the family... Not all women are going to demonstrate all of the “resemblances,” and some men will demonstrate some of them as well.)

And before she gets to that, she includes a good, meaty chapter on how men and women really not so different as some would say, in fact, actually from the same planet:

“After the fall, people began to forget that Man and Woman were created to work together in harmony. Instead of focusing on all the ways that men and women are the same – both created in the image of God, and both created to bear the image of God in the world – people began to focus on all the ways we’re different.” (p. 68)

Later, she cites a psychological analysis that summarized the results of thousands of psychological gender studies that look at gender differences in all the areas one might expect to find them, like verbal skills, or levels of aggression.

“Men and women don’t, in fact, differ very much, even in areas of presumed, stereotypical difference. … But these differences are often degreed, depending on each person. The way all women differ from all men is less predictive, provocative, and universal than we might think… in statistical terms, 85% of the areas overlap… The difference is actually so slight, that knowing a person’s gender has little to no predictive power in nearly 80% of psychological matters. And indeed, areas of difference, such as self-esteem, may be due to family culture, environment, or personality, not to an essential difference in our souls.” (pp. 72-73)

Missions and Singleness

(Something I've been thinking about, preparing to teach on pioneers in missions, this week.)

I firmly believe that the sometimes-frustrating circumstances of our lives, and our apparent weaknesses and vulnerabilities, are just as much a gift from God as our skills and strengths. And sometimes these things are so 'redeemed' that they truly seem assets and not liabilities.

Case in point: being single. It's not unusual for me to meet young women who are interested in missions but don't think they could make it overseas without a husband - it seems like a real sacrifice, a real limitation. As a matter of fact many do go, so it must not be impossible. Friends studying in one Arab country told me, a few years ago, that the expatriate community in their city included 26 couples, 2 single men, and 21 single women.

Where are the marriage-minded, ministry-minded Christian guys? Not on the field. More often to be found in (or heading for) the pastorate? So, if you are a single woman, it's a great idea to find someone you click with once you get to the field. It happens. But the odds are against it happening very often. Marry a local? Possible, but not advisable in most cases.

So, we have to accept that single women on the field are a population here to stay. Even if they are a population most of us are squeamish about being part of. But, even if a single woman can accept her singleness - at least for a season - on a personal level, what effect does it have on her ministry? Some fear, going into a traditional society where being unmarried may seem shameful or inexplicable, they will be rejected, or misunderstood, or unable to have an influence. Nobody will listen to a single woman, will they?

These are legitimate concerns.

On the other hand, it's been my experience though that singleness can be a real asset in ministry (at home or overseas). Often we who are single can serve with greater flexibility and availability. The fact that we seem vulnerable only encourages others to take us into their families. That can feel awkward or humiliating at times, but in the end it really works. Single women may end up a lot less isolated, in terms of making local friends, than married women are. And the very 'weirdness' of the situation can be an open door to model what it looks like to trust God to meet one's needs, with or without a human agent.

Consider my friend M., who works in the Muslim world. Some of you know her; some years ago she was the personnel director at our now-dearly-departed former organization. M. writes:

"They're constantly astonished. I can't count the times I've had this conversation with Muslims here:

'Why don't you have any children?'
'God hasn't given me any... I've never been married.'
'You're kidding! Why haven't you been married?'
'God hasn't given me a husband.'
'Don't you want one?'
'Well, actually, it's been partly my choice to remain single, because I will only marry a man if he loves Jesus with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength, and there aren't very many of those kind in the world.'

"And so goes another natural opening for sharing about 'my Maker, my Husband, the Lord Almighty is His name, the Holy One of Israel, my Redeemer, the God of all the earth!' (Isaiah 54:5). So being single definitely has its benefits. I thank Him for these and many other encouraging moments He's given me in 2007 to scatter gospel seeds."

Singleness and Thanksgiving

Every now and then a married person will tell me in somewhat confidential tones that they don't know if they could do it: be single. If something happened to their spouse they would have to marry again (or move in with someone, or sleep around anyway). So they admire and respect my "ability" to live the single (and yeah, celibate) life.

I'm sure they have good intentions, but I don't know what to make of such comments, and usually don't inquire what exactly they mean by them. That they don't think they could deal with a lifetime without physical intimacy? (It's not my idea of a good time either, but seems necessary under the circumstances.) That they are afraid of being by themselves, or facing so many aspects of life alone? (Nor am I thrilled about those prospects, though there are ways to compensate.) That they so find their identity in being a wife/mother or husband/father that they wouldn't know who they are without it? (True, that's a problem I do not have!)

Well, I'll say here what I would probably never say to someone directly, because it sounds too harsh / religious: God's grace is sufficient for me, and his power is made perfect in weakness. It's true for me, and I need to remember it. God's grace is sufficient for a lifetime of singleness. Really. Isn't that amazing? It may not come to that for me, but if it does, it's going to be OK.

It's true for my married friends, too, looking at their spouses and children, feeling helpless - wondering when someone's going to "find them out" and tell the world they aren't really grownups and should not be allowed to have these responsibilities! God's grace is sufficient for you. His power is made perfect in weakness.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." - 2 Corinthians 4:7 (click to read in context)

Living as people of the gospel means that we know and experience what it means to put our lives in God's hands and say: You're God and I'm not. I put myself at your disposal, recognizing that what you'll do with and in my life is way better, ultimately, than anything I could come up with. So I'm willing to give up what I might think are my "rights" - including the "right" to be married, and even the "right" to be happy - in favor of what you want to do. Your kingdom come, your will be done, right here like it is in heaven. And if it's hard and I mess things up more often then not, that makes it all the more clear that it's not about me and some ability or virtue I have - any power here is coming from you, not from me.

In My Head and in My Heart Today -

Man, I'm tired. This writing project has taken a lot out of me. Today I finally had to face what has turned out to be the most difficult part, perhaps: dealing with the statistics. This is not our kind of research at all. I avoid stats on principle... (and have been lobbying hard to get the bad ones down from the new site that's selling our company's resources; so far, to no avail). When you get them right, though - when you are confident in what you are saying, numbers can be pretty powerful. And now that I got my head around what I needed to for this aspect of the project, I feel much better. We'll see what feedback comes in.

I do like feedback, edits. My general rule of thumb is that all edits are good edits - that if something looks funny or awkward, I want someone to tell me. I want to pay attention to that, I want to pay attention to that and get it to the place where it works.

* * *

In other aspects of life - I know some of you keep checking back to see if I'll write about this. Here's the latest thing with my ol' heart. The guy in Central Asia I've been so taken with, Tom? I was just about at the place where I wanted to talk to him about giving it another go, if he was willing to make the big sacrifice of following me here - which I thought he might. He'd given me reason to believe he would.

He had 'waited' a long time, though, with pretty confusing messages from me. I know it's been hard for him. There were some pretty huge hurdles to us being together, ways in which we were not good for each other, as well as ways we were wonderful. It wasn't clear to me that it 'was not to be.' Just that it was going to be very hard to get to the point where we could have the kind of relationship we'd both want. And really, I couldn't move ahead, I was crazy in the head, I had to wait for it to clear before I could do that. I've had so few sane days in these months since the breakdown or whatever it was that happened to me in April. July was terrible again, and the latter part of August as well.

Anyway, Tom isn't waiting any longer. He is moving on. He met someone new. I don't know much about her. I'm so glad he told me, though. Most guys don't, which I think is really cruel and cowardly.

Yes, this is a big disappointment - but now it may be part of my healing. With the possibilities of getting together significantly reduced, the level of ambiguity in my life is also reduced. I can stop trying to keep my options open and avoiding or evaluating my commitments in light of what effect they might have on being with Tom / not being with Tom. I'm a fairly complicated person, but there are a number of characteristics, values etc. that I have that seem pretty core to who I am but not very compatible with being the kind of person Tom wanted me to be. So I can shut the door on trying to be the version of myself that he liked best - I don't have to deal with that kind of pressure.

Perhaps you are thinking that's a red flag anyway, that I felt like I couldn't be myself and please him. Well, that would be an oversimplification. That was an aspect of what was going on, but there are probably a number of angles. And even more, you might say he was feeling pressure to be the kind of person I would need him to be so I could marry him - and it was asking a lot.

Anyway, now I guess it's over. And I do feel a bit of a burden lifted - I can relax a bit. I can make decisions without having to consider him. Being single is not all bad.

I still want to love someone, fiercely. And be loved, faithfully. I want the challenge of dying to self that comes with marrying and having a family. To ask not, "Can I marry this man?" but "How can I better love this man I'm married to?" I hope I have another chance. If not, God can accomplish the same knocking-off-of-rough-edges, and positioning-and-equipping-me-to-bless-others, through other means. Traveling to other cultures and leading other people have often challenged and grown me in the same way - as well as bringing some of the sweet fellowship and opportunity to serve that I would like to experience through marriage.

So, even as I fear growing old alone, I need to remember, I am not alone. Nor am I without a legacy. Even if I never get another chance to be someone's girl, someone's wife, someone's mother - I have a good life, and God has can use me. He has used me - he is using me.

So, overall, am I going to keep being depressed, confused, insane, as I have been, so much, these last five months? I feel quite a bit better now, and it's been a week since Tom told me about this new woman he's met. So maybe I will get better now. Or it may be three steps forward, two steps back. Sometimes life is like that. I guess only time will tell.

Busca Tu Media Naranja?

A week ago or so ago I finished the book “Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons: How to Find Your Soul Mate.” It was written by the guy who started e-Harmony. He has this great ambition to reduce the divorce rate in America, 1% a year or something. And after lots of research he’s convinced that one of the best things we can do to keep marriages from failing is to encourage people to marry others with whom they have as much in common as possible.

He identifies 29 areas and says in the best marriages, the partners are highly compatible in nearly all of them – 24 or 25 anyway. Of course, having ‘one of the best marriages’ is not for everybody. That is to say, great marriages are rare. (But we do all want to be among that select group that have them!) And of course commitment is the most important factor. But finding the love of your life, your soul-mate (or in Spanish, media naranja, 'orange half'!) is largely a matter of choosing well, he says. So, he recommends really knowing who you are and what you are like and only giving yourself to someone who is a lot like you in those key areas.

He also urges readers to make sure they know each other very, very well, and probably to spend a long time getting to that point.

Most of the things he identifies, like intelligence, or ambition, education, sense of humor – are neutral. Do you laugh at the same things? It’s just a matter of being similar, being compatible, whatever you are. If you hook up with someone who thinks and values very different things than you do, especially in areas in which people don’t tend to change much, it'll be hard.

And of course most of us have some areas that are really important to us and others that are not. For example, it’s a bigger deal to me that my partner have the same spiritual worldview as I do than it is that he has the same level of interest in sports or arts, or sees politics the same way. The author gives a list of 16 things which he calls core personal dimensions – areas in which people may change, but not much – as well as six skills or qualities one can develop.

There are seven dimensions, though, which the author identifies as screening dimensions. If you and/or someone you’re interested in don’t have these things under control, you really shouldn’t be thinking about getting married. So, the fact that you both, say, come from massively dysfunctional family environments and haven’t dealt much with how it’s affected you, you shouldn’t say, oh good, we have that in common. Nope; you should get out!

I’m not sure I agree with the author on every point; one does see his prejudices. But I want to take his challenge and research seriously. And darn it, I saw some things that might describe =me= in several of his ‘screening dimensions.’ The list includes:

• Good character (honesty, integrity, morality)
• Quality self-conception (emotionally healthy enough to love others well)
• [Freedom from] addictive behavior (as well as self-control and discipline in a larger sense)
• [Patterns of healthy] anger management (willingness to enter into conflict and ability to deal with conflict well)
• [Freedom from] obstreperousness (mood swings, harshness, being impossible to please)

Am I a bit obstreperous? Yeah, I think I am, and this could be a problem! Particularly in a relationship with someone (perhaps weak or vulnerable in some of the other dimensions?) who really wants a patient, forgiving woman whom he’s confident won’t be harsh or critical with him. I can be sweet and gentle, but I also seem to have sharp teeth and claws, too! Can anything be done about that? Or should I just accept a certain level of obstreperousness within myself and look for someone who =wants= a tiger?!

I guess I’m still trying to figure out what it means to be committed to personal growth without going down a path that is actually contrary to being who God made me to be. Or to put it another way, I want to strive to be the best person I can be, without striving to be the kind of person I can’t or shouldn’t be! And what that might look like still seems pretty mysterious. I wish I were a simpler person – that I knew with greater confidence who I am, what I need, and what I have to offer, but perhaps these things are slowly becoming more clear.

The question of how to prepare myself for marriage is one of great interest to me at present, because right now I'm feeling that I’ve just about had it with singleness. I know, that’s probably not a good-enough reason to marry someone. But if there are things disqualifying me from being a good marriage partner I want to see them clearly – and if possible, to work on those things – so that as much as it’s up to me I can be in a position to say yes if or when the opportunity presents itself.

Really Thankful?

Wednesday night, and I wavered. There's a great service at church tonight... 'Thanksgiving Eve.' should I go? Such things can either stir my gratitude or arouse my discontent. Being alone in a family-oriented church challenges me. I dread my own reactions to hearing all those people stand up and thank God for their wonderful husband, their beautiful wife, or that all the kids could be together this year. It is hard not to feel alone and alienated by so many people blessed by those things I do without.

This year, though, it did not bother me. Instead, I wondered: Isn’t the reason they are thankful to have their kids around them, or a wonderful husband / wife, or even that God has blessed them through the church, precisely because they DON’T take such things for granted?

God, you have been nothing but good to me. Now grant me two more things: open my eyes to your indescribable gift; give me a pure and grateful heart.