In My Head and in My Heart Today -

Man, I'm tired. This writing project has taken a lot out of me. Today I finally had to face what has turned out to be the most difficult part, perhaps: dealing with the statistics. This is not our kind of research at all. I avoid stats on principle... (and have been lobbying hard to get the bad ones down from the new site that's selling our company's resources; so far, to no avail). When you get them right, though - when you are confident in what you are saying, numbers can be pretty powerful. And now that I got my head around what I needed to for this aspect of the project, I feel much better. We'll see what feedback comes in.

I do like feedback, edits. My general rule of thumb is that all edits are good edits - that if something looks funny or awkward, I want someone to tell me. I want to pay attention to that, I want to pay attention to that and get it to the place where it works.

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In other aspects of life - I know some of you keep checking back to see if I'll write about this. Here's the latest thing with my ol' heart. The guy in Central Asia I've been so taken with, Tom? I was just about at the place where I wanted to talk to him about giving it another go, if he was willing to make the big sacrifice of following me here - which I thought he might. He'd given me reason to believe he would.

He had 'waited' a long time, though, with pretty confusing messages from me. I know it's been hard for him. There were some pretty huge hurdles to us being together, ways in which we were not good for each other, as well as ways we were wonderful. It wasn't clear to me that it 'was not to be.' Just that it was going to be very hard to get to the point where we could have the kind of relationship we'd both want. And really, I couldn't move ahead, I was crazy in the head, I had to wait for it to clear before I could do that. I've had so few sane days in these months since the breakdown or whatever it was that happened to me in April. July was terrible again, and the latter part of August as well.

Anyway, Tom isn't waiting any longer. He is moving on. He met someone new. I don't know much about her. I'm so glad he told me, though. Most guys don't, which I think is really cruel and cowardly.

Yes, this is a big disappointment - but now it may be part of my healing. With the possibilities of getting together significantly reduced, the level of ambiguity in my life is also reduced. I can stop trying to keep my options open and avoiding or evaluating my commitments in light of what effect they might have on being with Tom / not being with Tom. I'm a fairly complicated person, but there are a number of characteristics, values etc. that I have that seem pretty core to who I am but not very compatible with being the kind of person Tom wanted me to be. So I can shut the door on trying to be the version of myself that he liked best - I don't have to deal with that kind of pressure.

Perhaps you are thinking that's a red flag anyway, that I felt like I couldn't be myself and please him. Well, that would be an oversimplification. That was an aspect of what was going on, but there are probably a number of angles. And even more, you might say he was feeling pressure to be the kind of person I would need him to be so I could marry him - and it was asking a lot.

Anyway, now I guess it's over. And I do feel a bit of a burden lifted - I can relax a bit. I can make decisions without having to consider him. Being single is not all bad.

I still want to love someone, fiercely. And be loved, faithfully. I want the challenge of dying to self that comes with marrying and having a family. To ask not, "Can I marry this man?" but "How can I better love this man I'm married to?" I hope I have another chance. If not, God can accomplish the same knocking-off-of-rough-edges, and positioning-and-equipping-me-to-bless-others, through other means. Traveling to other cultures and leading other people have often challenged and grown me in the same way - as well as bringing some of the sweet fellowship and opportunity to serve that I would like to experience through marriage.

So, even as I fear growing old alone, I need to remember, I am not alone. Nor am I without a legacy. Even if I never get another chance to be someone's girl, someone's wife, someone's mother - I have a good life, and God has can use me. He has used me - he is using me.

So, overall, am I going to keep being depressed, confused, insane, as I have been, so much, these last five months? I feel quite a bit better now, and it's been a week since Tom told me about this new woman he's met. So maybe I will get better now. Or it may be three steps forward, two steps back. Sometimes life is like that. I guess only time will tell.