In the US we celebrate a Thanksgiving holiday this week. I have ambiguous feelings about this occasion (see my Thanksgiving post from 2006). You wouldn't think there would be that much about it that could be ambiguous, would you, unless, say, it falls near the death or anniversary of the death of a loved one. Who would not love Thanksgiving?
Aside from some minor gluttony it's a pretty untarnished holiday. I usually get to spend relaxed, satisfying time with people I really like and often meet some new people as well, and there's plenty of time to hang out, and a spirit of love, and gratitude, and good stuff like that, and there's usually leftover pumpkin pie.
It's Not About the Food
But sometimes I balk at the part that occurs in so many Thanksgiving gatherings where people talk about how thankful they are for their family. It's not that I don't have any family, or that my family doesn't love me - they do. But the core definition of family, for someone in their 30s, is usually, "my spouse and my kids," and I don't have those.
Yes, I'm foolish and small-minded: I don't like to be reminded that what other people consider the very most important, wonderful aspect of their lives lies behind a door that (thus far) has been closed to me.
It stirs up this question within me: Is it really possible to have a full, meaningful life if that life does not include that which most people find filling and giving meaning to their lives? I have my doubts. My feelings could go either way on that, depending on the day.
Generally, though, I have to say yes. The fact that some of the most wonderful or happiest people have been single seems pretty solid evidence that being married (and having kids) is not "necessary."
My friend Fiona shared some good thoughts about this well in her recent post on singleness. She says that singleness includes an invitation to that of which marriage is but a reflection...
Would You Rather?
For me the question, "Do you want to be married, or are you glad to be single?" is a complicated one. I suppose there are many singles who would say, yes, definitely, if I had my way I'd be married, that's what I'd prefer. But when someone makes the assumption one way or the other about me I feel slightly guilty, thinking, what have I said to give the wrong impression - that for sure I would rather be married, or that I'm quite content in my singleness? Neither is entirely true. For me it's one of those slightly impossible "would you rather" questions.
And after all, it is a rather abstract, unanswerable question, because every marriage is somewhat different. Nobody gets married "in general," we enter into very specific contracts of marriage with an actual person. And "Would you rather be married to _________ or be single?" is not a question I have to answer (and probably should not try to) unless ________ asks, "will you marry me?"
A MORE impossible version of the 'married or single' question, one people in our culture seldom ask (though I've often had it in other countries), is "Why aren't you married?" Who can answer "why" questions with total confidence? One can come up with all kinds of theories for ourselves or others, but are they really true? Is singleness a decision I made, or a series of decisions, or something that happened to me (or didn't!)?
Baby
I did realize recently that I cannot remember the last time I held a baby in my arms. Two years ago? Three? Now that is a problem. And surely there is something I can do about it!
See all posts on the topic of singleness, here.
9 comments:
Big questions, Marti. Heavy stuff. I don't know how or what to comment on those thoughts.
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Small micro-point : you could volunteer at the nursery at South F. to get some baby-time. I'm sure the regulars would relish your help.
Yeah, the baby question is by far the easiest. I am short on friends with babies, just now, but I could probably find one if I really looked, and there's no question but that I could work in the nursery!
Hi Marti, thanks for the link!
I'm going through a time of lots of babies - and pregnancies - among my friends and it's very exciting, and I love getting to be part of the children's lives. And yet. It brings into sharp relief the difference about my own life. And that can be uncomfortable.
I am so grateful to God that lately, ever since I wrote that post in fact, I've been able to switch quite rapidly from longings for what I haven't got, to gratitude for what I have got. I need to work to notice the things I do which I'd find more difficult with a family of my own and keep gratitude at the front of my mind.
In answer to the question, "do you want to be married or are you glad to be single?" at the moment, I could say yes to both of them - I'd love to get married, but only to someone who will inspire me towards a deeper intimacy with God, and with whom I can serve more effectively than I can alone. And during this time of not having that someone, I'm glad to be single, for all the benefits of independence and freedom it gives.
The question, "why aren't you married?" is, in my mind, rather ridiculous. I have never known how to answer it. The questioner seems to assume a) that it's a conscious decision I made at some point and b) that there have been a number of men who've asked me to marry them! But not at all.
I think if I'm ever asked it again, my answer should be "because God likes me this way at this time; it suits his purposes and I get to spend all the time with him I want, without having to work around someone else's schedule." Or words to that effect. Not neglecting the point that I'm never going to assume it's a permanent state.
I can imagine how hard it must be for you at such a family-orientated time of counting blessings. But I don't know, perhaps you could loudly talk about how wonderfully blessed you are to be able to do the things you love for a living! And I'm sure there are many, many married folk who would look at your life, with all its writing and travelling and feel as though they're missing out! I'll be praying for you this Thanksgiving to know the peace and joy of God in a deeper and fuller expression of Himself in your life.
Thanks, Fiona! I am not really surprised when married people are mystified by singleness - sometimes envious, sometimes pitying - because both singleness and marriage mystify me as well!
I liked what you said, Fiona, in the comments on your post: "Of course singleness has its challenges, but the answers are no more found in marriage than the answers to married people's problems are found in divorce."
Never did send you any of the articles I had - will see what I can find.
Wow, I wrote that? Sometimes I'm so inspired, I baffle myself!!!
(I had to go check, just to make sure you weren't quoting someone else by mistake!)
[Oh, and a little note about baby-time; it's probably not generic baby-time you're missing, it's time with a baby you can have a relationship with that you're feeling the lack of, so helping in the nursery at church isn't really going to meet that need, I imagine.]
You're brilliant, Fiona!
You may be right about that baby thing - playing with babies is a good thing, but it's not as sweet as being Auntie Marti. Not that I'm one of those women who has a great touch with babies or kids, but I've certainly HAD kid friendships of varying depths throughout the years, and am feeling the lack somewhat now. The offer of free (if inexpert) babysitting could probably generate such opportunities easily enough.
most of the girls i work with are pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or engaged and planning a wedding. oh! and then there is me, who sometimes feels like a freak!
it's funny, they are all in a TIZZY about what to wear to the holiday party. well, the only reason i am wearing a new dress is because i got it end of the season sale at sundancecatalog.com last year - i think it was marked down from $160 to $30! something like that, anyway. so i have a new dress. but that's the sort of decision i might normally make the day of. i can't imagine the men of the studio huddled around in little circles discussing, endlessly, what they are going to wear.
but i digress.sorry no auntie marti. i meant to ask the dr. at my follow-up if he thought i was actually fertile - just because it seemed like something i ought to know - but i forgot. so you can see how likely reproduction seems to me...
if i had one huge dream that would change my life, it would be to do my art full-time, i guess. not to have a family, though that would be nice in many ways too, i guess my soul is pulled in a different direction than yours..
well, i hope you DO enjoy thanksgiving. sorry you won't be here. i am sure taser misses you!
Meg, I was wondering how it would affect you if the doc said, "by the way, looks like you won't ever be able to conceive/carry a child...." and couldn't figure out how to ask you if that had been discussed. Plenty of childless women who are pretty sure they don't want 'em, still feel a sense of loss hearing those words. Logical or not.
And I can find nieces and nephews other places, if I'm willing to put the work into it. I haven't done a good job keeping up with the little ones who have grown up, either. I believe that Cole, my 'baby' when I was in my last year of university, is now a senior in high school! His mom has a web site and I was looking at their pictures the other day.
I wouldn't say having a family IS the direction 'in which my soul is pulled.' It's much more ambiguous than that. Truly a "would you rather?" question. And sometimes, a "grass is greener" issue! When I thought I was going to get married and was counting the cost of leaving singleness behind, it seemed a very steep price to pay - I wasn't at all sure that's what I wanted. And being single is SO much easier, has so MANY benefits.
I have a hunch I'm a restless and complicated enough person that some level of discontent is inevitable regardless of the circumstances of my life. There may be some good reasons for that, or good outcomes from being that kind of person, that are worth the "cost." Perhaps I will mellow with age as the parents have.
Thanks for sharing, however and wherever, Meg - I appreciate you!
Happy Thanksgiving!
What might be the best way to have a permanent place in the life of a child - if not by blood - would be to be made a godmother. Do many people still carry on that tradition?
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