In the US we celebrate a Thanksgiving holiday this week. I have ambiguous feelings about this occasion (see my
Thanksgiving post from 2006). You wouldn't think there would be that much about it that could be ambiguous, would you, unless, say, it falls near the death or anniversary of the death of a loved one. Who would not love Thanksgiving?
Aside from some minor gluttony it's a pretty untarnished holiday. I usually get to spend relaxed, satisfying time with people I really like and often meet some new people as well, and there's plenty of time to hang out, and a spirit of love, and gratitude, and good stuff like that, and there's usually leftover pumpkin pie.
It's Not About the FoodBut sometimes I balk at the part that occurs in so many Thanksgiving gatherings where people talk about how thankful they are for their family. It's not that I don't have any family, or that my family doesn't love me - they do. But the core definition of family, for someone in their 30s, is usually, "my spouse and my kids," and I don't have those.
Yes, I'm foolish and small-minded: I don't like to be reminded that what other people consider the very most important, wonderful aspect of their lives lies behind a door that (thus far) has been closed to me.
It stirs up this question within me: Is it really possible to have a full, meaningful life if that life does not include that which most people find filling and giving meaning to their lives? I have my doubts. My feelings could go either way on that, depending on the day.
Generally, though, I have to say yes. The fact that some of the most wonderful or happiest people have been single seems pretty solid evidence that being married (and having kids) is not "necessary."
My friend Fiona shared some good thoughts about this well in her recent post on
singleness. She says that singleness includes an invitation to that of which marriage is but a reflection...
Would You Rather?For me the question, "Do you want to be married, or are you glad to be single?" is a complicated one. I suppose there are many singles who would say, yes, definitely, if I had my way I'd be married, that's what I'd prefer. But when someone makes the assumption one way or the other about me I feel slightly guilty, thinking, what have I said to give the wrong impression - that for sure I would rather be married, or that I'm quite content in my singleness? Neither is entirely true. For me it's one of those slightly impossible "would you rather" questions.
And after all, it is a rather abstract, unanswerable question, because every marriage is somewhat different. Nobody gets married "in general," we enter into very specific contracts of marriage with an actual person. And "Would you rather be married to _________ or be single?" is not a question I have to answer (and probably should not try to) unless ________ asks, "will you marry me?"
A MORE impossible version of the 'married or single' question, one people in our culture seldom ask (though I've often had it in other countries), is "Why aren't you married?" Who can answer "why" questions with total confidence? One can come up with all kinds of theories for ourselves or others, but are they really true? Is singleness a decision I made, or a series of decisions, or something that happened to me (or didn't!)?
BabyI did realize recently that I cannot remember the last time I held a baby in my arms. Two years ago? Three? Now that is a problem. And surely there is something I can do about it!
See all posts on the topic of singleness,
here.