Dealing with Differences, Part 2: Loyalty & Dissonance

The last year of my life has held so many twists and turns. While most of the time I’ve navigated them – and helped others navigate them – without losing grace, faith, and hope, I think I’m experiencing delayed whiplash.

As our ministry fought to survive, leaders appealed to staff to give loyalty to quickly changing plans, policies, priorities, and personalities. I’m not one to give unthinking lip-service or to just shrug my shoulders and say “whatever.” At times I’ve been tempted; it would certainly be easier! But a friend, a counselor / intercessor type, had prophesied over me that I should not disengage, so I’ve tried to resist that; I’ve been fairly deeply involved in everything that happened. And it has cost me.

My capacity for loyalty has been badly strained. I’ve been enlisted to defend disastrous practices. I’ve come out of it not knowing whom to trust. Even interpreting what happened has been very difficult. People I’ve known for years and/or worked closely with hold radically different and contradictory opinions about that. And I’m in relationship with people on all these different sides.

I think that’s part of why I feel so ‘lost.’ I am trying to stay respectful and loyal and sympathetic to people who have strong, conflicting points of view. It leaves me both feeling confused - not sure what I think - and hypocritical, for listening to ‘the other side.’

It’s not that I don’t have experience with this sort of thing. There are several situations in my family that are like that; I guess I’m just used to them. And of course my work often has me, an evangelical Christian, sitting down with Muslims letting them tell me how great Islam is, but that’s never bothered me. I think everybody and everything is interesting and I want to hear their story and point of view.

But this time it’s tearing me apart. I think this is what my college professors would call “cognitive dissonance.” Here are a couple of definitions I snagged off the web:

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term which describes the uncomfortable tension that comes from holding two conflicting thoughts at the same time, or from engaging in behavior that conflicts with one’s beliefs.

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon which refers to the discomfort felt at a discrepancy between what you already know or believe, and new information or interpretation.

Cognitive dissonance is the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time.

Dissonance increases with:

- The importance of the subject to us.

- How strongly the dissonant thoughts conflict.

- Our inability to rationalize and explain away the conflict.

Dissonance is often strong when we believe something about ourselves and then do something against that belief.

Trying to understand and give credence to radically different points of view has left me with a pretty serious case of dissonance this time. Sort of like indigestion… Actually, a lot like that!

So, with my insides still churning over these indigestible conflicts, I am reluctant to trust. This counselor I’ve started seeing says if you don’t trust someone, yes, it could be because there is something wrong with you, something hurt or broken or cynical, and you have to be able to ‘own’ that. But it could also be that the people you don’t trust are not trustworthy, and it may be a really good idea to, you know, not trust them! How does one know the difference?

I think all the loyalty whiplash has caused me to seriously doubt my own judgment. I come up with alternate points of view about everything and am constantly second-guessing myself. I’ve lost my ability to evaluate things and stand by my own judgments. Or to be a bit more crass, I can’t tell crap when I see or hear it. Or maybe I can tell, can feel it, but I am not willing to call it what it is because maybe it’s just something I don’t understand; maybe it isn’t crap after all. I don’t want to make the call; I could be wrong. Basically, I don’t trust myself.

This is making it very hard to make decisions and commitments and be happy about them. I’m angry, hurt, frustrated and disappointed with various people and situations, and I’m wired up in such a way that people can usually tell. But I’m unwilling to really acknowledge those emotions or give myself permission to let them run their course, partly because I find emotionalism rather distasteful, and partly because people punish you when you express negative emotions, but more, I think, because I have little confidence that my own feelings are justified or valid. All this is making me a bit sick in the head I think. Well, fairly unstable and unhappy anyway.

Phyllis (the counselor) says the way to get better may be to get in touch with who I am as a person. What do I really care about, need, value? Not what do people expect or want from me, or what are good girls or mature Christians supposed to do and think, but who am I really? If I can identify and pull back in the bits of my personality that are really authentic, I can evaluate them and decide what to keep. I can decide what I really need and care about and what things I am willing to be flexible about or want to change or grow in. That should make it a lot easier to trust my own judgment, and then to trust and give my loyalty to other people. Not to always trust, always be loyal, but to give my trust and loyalty where I choose, or (though it still sounds arrogant!) where it is due.

Of course, I seriously like being someone who is open-minded and knows how to listen. And I’m also pleased that a lot of my harsh edges have been knocked off, that I can be gentle and compassionate and flexible and forgiving and understanding. And fair. I want to be fair. I don’t want to get rid of those traits. But I’ve got a hunch there are some unhealthy aspects of them that I don’t need to keep.

This is all pretty scary to me, because Christianity and psychology sometimes seem to pull in different directions. I want to be one of those people who has faith and takes risks. I don’t want to be one of those people who has to have everything figured out. And I don’t want to become one of those people who is mostly interested in ‘doing what is good for me.’ But a true walk of faith is going to be healthy, sustainable, and authentic. So, with your prayers, some help from Phyllis, and the love and wisdom of friends... that’s what I’m working on.