Sunday, January 17, 2010

Low Point

It's been some time since I had such an emotional, difficult week. Everything seemed to bring me to tears, and I'm not usually much of a crier. Sometimes I go for months - used to be years. Nor does it really seem like the circumstances really merited such reactions.

Someone I looked to (maybe not very reasonably) for reassurance never said the magic words that I realized, in retrospect, I was counting on hearing. I spent some time with potential coworkers for the future and didn't sparkle or connect as I had hoped. Then, Friday, a couple of guys at the office brought me the 15-20 boxes from the storage unit so I could go through them and decide what we (I) needed to keep. But their light-hearted comments about the contents of those boxes stabbed, and it was as if my life's work was in those filenotes, and training plans, and documentation of various short-term teams - not in the lives of the team members and those they touched.

Miserable, I poured myself into housework yesterday hoping to make the place - my new 'home base' - nicer, and myself feel better. But I offended the roommate by deciding, unilaterally, that it was time all the Christmas stuff got put away. I hinted, I informed, but I didn't =discuss= my desire that this happen. It was getting on my nerves, I reasoned, all that red and green and fuss. When she does the packing up it doesn't happen before Groundhog's Day, I told myself. Look at all I'm accomplishing, I argued. But when she walked in the door, any defenses or accusations melted and I realized I'd wronged her by treating what are mostly her belongings as foolish, not as the treasures they are to her. How could I fail to stop and consider how she might see this?

This week, I guess my spirit was just troubled enough to make life just seem one disappointment or frustration after another, and the one with whom I was frustrated and disappointed more than any other was myself. Why am I acting this way?

Well, doubtless you've had seasons like that too.

I'm afraid, that's what's really behind it: fear. And I'm trying to run from it, or hide from it, or bury it in a landslide of activity. But just like any landslide, it's hard to stop or control. I need to slow down, breathe, and practice living just one day at a time.

I'm afraid of so many things just now, and most of them relate to my career. Over the next few weeks I will be packing up all my stuff in the office; it's been my second home - sometimes more like my first - since 1995. Where do I belong if not at the office, who am I without my job? If I'm around the house too much will it drive me crazy? Or will I drive the roommate crazy? I know there will be plenty of work for me when I return, after sabbatical - regardless of who I'm working with: after all these years I should be able to reach a point of effectiveness without some long delay or learning curve. But just now, it feels like it's all over, and I am so sad and scared.


soundchick said...

I've had times like that too. And fear is always the instigator.

Hang in there, girl. Change is hard - even when we want it and are excited by it. You're at that "endings" phase of transitioning. This is the time you're supposed to grieve what is going away. I think it's the only way to clear out room for what is coming next.

Marti said...

Thanks, Lu. Yes, even positive changes are stressful. Heard a good sermon this weekend about wilderness experiences. Being sidelined for time, even by choice, may be pretty hard - but it's the right thing for this next season.

Megan Noel said...

sorry you had a rough week! maybe pick up some red flowers for you and deb to enjoy - it'll brighten you both up! and valentine's day is coming. (i ignore all the romance and just use it as an excuse to do nice things for my female friends) do you need any art for your new home office? i still plan to make another template for a mug design - just have not done any watercolor in a bit - but i am inspired to do some with birds (see my last blog post!)
xo megan

Megan Noel said...

oh, and we have a rule at our condo that outside decorations must be down by the 15th of january. i took my decorations down last weekend. i kind of did not want to but then i won't have the fun of unpacking them next december if they don't get put away! we stopped by brent's house on sunday and they were just taking down the last 2 things - christmas table cloth and door wreath. does lucy get into things? that'd be incentive to pack up!

Marti said...

I =was= thinking about flowers. Although another recent change is that after reviewing my donation budget vs. income, now that all the year-end receipting done, I felt it best to give myself a $200/month paycut. I've always kept my salary low but I don't remember ever lowering it! So that's going to mean some belt tightening.

D. forgave me over the Christmas stuff... but we didn't discuss it. I don't know and am still afraid to ask what she thinks about the idea of me working out of our house.

A new Megan-made, water-colored coffee mug sounds right cheerful. I'd love to have one!

This Valentine's day I expect to be in Detroit, or just returning.

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