Rearranging the Furniture

This weekend I rearranged my room. It feels so much better! Previously I had the head of my bed against a wall, parallel to the desk on one side, and the two bookcases on the other. I preferred it like that for a long time but recently realized that’s not what I wanted. So I split up the bookcases and put my bed against the wall. This gave me a wall to lounge against and more open space in the room. (Is this what I prefer in life, perhaps, to go against the conventions, switch things up a bit, and in the process gain something solid to lean against and some space to move around in? Ah, space AND security!)

The next physical change I think I need to make is at work. I don’t have a window anymore. Can’t see outside and there’s no natural light. It’s driving me crazy. Half the staff with windows keep their blinds closed, which stirs up resentment in me both in that they don’t appreciate what they have (just seeing the heat and light as a negative) and that I STILL can’t see outside. This should not be such a big deal that I need to carry it as my cross and find a way to cope with it. Nope. There is a simple solution. I just need to ask if I can switch cubes!

The office has been pretty lacking in harmony, warmth, and natural light on a metaphorical level as well. It is just so hard to get past the ugliness, confusion, and broken trust associated with the breakup of our old ministry. In my reflections on what happened I suppose tragic management mistakes in 2006 were really what brought our ministry down, although I can entertain the notion one of my former coworkers put forward that we had a great thing and it was amazing it lasted as long as it did. And maybe it would have been OK if this decision had been made and that one hadn’t, or this person had been involved and that one hadn’t. I guess we will never know.

I guess what’s troubling me now are the things that went on in 2007 with some of the folks who remained. And I still have to work with some of these people, which has been quite challenging.

The ol’ Serenity Prayer seems apropos here:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Here's something that may really help. In a few days our new organization, Pioneers, is sending 4-5 trained counselors to Denver for a time of “Debriefing and Moving Toward Reconciliation.” One of them writes about what this may look like:

We met yesterday to plan our time together and are eagerly anticipating the Lord to work to bring about greater healing and reconciliation among us.

We want you to think about our time together before we gather. We would like for each of you to prepare a “personal impact statement” that you would be willing to share with the group. We suggest in preparation that you write everything down that has significantly affected you in this time of change, transition and loss. Then focus on 4 or 5 things that you would like others in your team to know in order for them to understand how the events have personally impacted you. Then create “I messages” about those 4 or 5 things, i.e. “When this event happened this is how it affected me.” We are seeking to create an atmosphere of safety and “speaking the truth in love” by having each of us use “I messages” rather than “you messages.” That way each person takes ownership of their own responses. We want you to be prepared to share them with the group. The purpose of this is to help the group as a whole to move toward reconciliation.

Here is the proposed schedule (which could change as the day unfolds):

Monday:
8:00-8:30 Continental breakfast
8:30-9:00 Introductions and overview of the time
9:00-9:45 “A Review of the Facts that We Know” Ted E.
9:45-10:30 Group debrief of Ted’s summation
10:30-11:30 Break
11:00-12:30 Begin to share and process personal impact statements
12:30-1:30 Lunch
1:30-3:00 Continue personal impact statements
3:00-3:30 Break
3:30-5:00 Continue personal impact statements
5:00-6:00 Dinner
6:00-7:30 Finish the personal impact statements

Tuesday:
8:00-8:30 Continental breakfast
8:00-8:30 Continental breakfast
8:30-10:00 Close our time together
10:00-02:30 Opportunity for individual time with debriefers

We are looking forward to being with you and praying that the Lord will use this as a healing time together.

You know how to pray! I like and am inclined to trust the folks at Pioneers - particularly perhaps the one who wrote this, a woman named Deb. She sought me out when we were in Orlando and we had some great conversation. Deb knows people; she knows pain. And I think she and the others can help.

Kids

Back in August 1996 God told me in a dream that I had a part in the families of our Caleb Project staff – a part to play through prayer. So I started collecting prayer requests for each of the kids through their parents and about twice a year I led the staff in lifting these kids and their parents up in prayer. It’s been more than ten years since then.

With all that has gone on in recent months and years… Caleb Project’s shift from being more family-focused to being primarily business-oriented, the merger that made us co-workers with people whose families we might never meet, then the disintegration of the new organization altogether, I led prayer a few times but sort of lost focus.

In fact, I did not realize until the last month or so that four of the kids we’d been praying for since they were small were approaching a significant rite of passage, graduating from high school. In each case I'd been closer to their older siblings, and had not realized what was going on with these 'younger' kids. Those 8-year-olds are now 18-year-olds!

Three of the families invited me to graduation events. It was such a blessing to see how they have grown up, grown in their faith, acquired the skills and maturity and experience to take the next step in life. May God use these kids to change the world...

I know that many, many people have prayed for, befriended, supported, and invested in the lives of these kids. Although I have not been close to most of them or even spent much time with them in recent years, I’ve been part of their lives by coming alongside their parents, grandparents, and many others in prayer. What an honor it has been for me - for all of our former colleagues - to be part of the lives of Jennifer, Lauren, Lori, and Luke (and the others) in this small way. There’s an open house for Lauren this afternoon, so I just went through my files and made copies of all the things we’d prayed about for her and her sisters. God has done a lot!

There's something about growing up / raising kids together that creates a deep bond; perhaps these families will never know that kind of community again. They are in a different place in life. But may the Lord continue to place these kids and their parents in places of nevertheless rich and fruitful community and raise up others to pray into being the things He wants to do in their lives.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. (Hebrews 12:1)

Paper or Plastic?

For all the new scams and dangers of living and doing business in today’s world, I’m grateful for so many resources to combat them. Consider the systems that so ease our management of money. Overdraft protection keeps careless people from bouncing checks. Debit cards can help control overspending and limit the need to carry cash or pay ATM fees when we don't have the right amount. Automated electronic funds transfers help us stay generous and consistent in our charitable giving. Online account access makes record-keeping easy, and keeps me, anyway, motivated to save: (I like to see those big, round numbers in my savings and CDs, and can put money in my ROTH IRA without bothering with checks and forms, envelopes and stamps.)

Today, I’m glad for fraud protection. The good ol’ MasterCard company seems to be looking after my checking account for me. If they weren’t, I’d be out almost a month’s pay.

After filling up my Honda with gas on Tuesday night, I must have dropped my debit card. At any rate, it wasn’t in my wallet at my next stop, at Target, on the way home. (I didn’t give it much thought, assuming it was somewhere in the car.) But somebody else must have picked it up. By the next morning my online banking records showed more than $1200 in unauthorized charges. I called the credit union to get the card canceled and see what could be done to cancel the pending charges or get back the stolen funds.

I hope this will all be cleared up in a few days. We shall see. So for now, am I broke, as I would have been after such a significant theft in my cash-only days? Not at all. I could refill my checking account from my now well-stocked savings, then write checks - or use my credit card for things. On the other hand I think I’d rather just celebrate the poetry of limitations: trying to get to payday with the $10 in my purse and $100 in my back-up local bank account.

Deb's Birthday

Yesterday I did manage to get out of bed, dressed, out of the house... and today, big step: I came back to work. Still not feeling great but my strength is growing. Staying home sickish is a tricky thing. I hate to mope around. But resting and reflection are good...

And it is such a blessing to have a wise and encouraging friend in the house... My roommate Deb is seasoned in dealing with pain, loss, accepting one's limitations etc.; she has lived with serious arthritis most of her life. Well, I'm not just grateful for Deb for what she does for me but want to thank God for who she is - a woman who loves God, who is curious about the world and likes to learn, a consistent friend, fun to be with, faithful in prayer.

Today is a big day in our household - Deb's fiftieth birthday. Happy birthday, Deb! This pic is of the gigantic bouquet her mom and sister sent in honor of the day. It graces our kitchen table.

Writing from Home - and Desperately Homesick

Take a break; catch your breath. Get some rest. Maybe you just need some time off. Take it easy. Don’t think so much. Don’t feel like you have to seize the day or change the world or 'produce,' let yourself off the hook. Spend some time at home.

Where is home? I’ve tried to make our little house in Highlands Ranch a home but I spend so much time here already that it feels confining. And there’s no other place (on earth) that really feels like home to me either. Not my mom and stepdad’s new house, not my dad and stepmom’s boat, not just being in the Northwest. I feel like a guest there; I don’t really know my way around anymore. It doesn’t feel much like home! A little bit, maybe. But it is hard to live a life with so little schedule or structure for very long.

To ‘get away’ anywhere else, like taking a vacation or even just a few days in the mountains (when I don’t really like being in the mountains) sounds so much more draining than refreshing. I don’t want something new and unfamiliar. I don’t want to be alone, it's not good for me to be alone and idle! I want partnership and purpose and to be part of something bigger than myself, I don’t want to just sit around being lonely and doing nothing.

It used to be that Caleb Project was my home, my family, the center of my world. There were days I didn’t want to go to the office, things I didn’t want to deal with like there are today, but in general it was hard to keep me away. My Caleb Project co-workers and contacts were my best friends; there was nowhere else I’d rather be. I don't know, maybe that's not healthy, but that's the way it was.

Well, it’s not like that now. I still have my job more or less and some of the same people are still there at 10 W. Dry Creek Circle. But for almost all intents and purposes, it’s gone. My pleasures, my memories, the place where I felt safe and known and effective, and that was the focus of my closest relationships: gone. To the extent Caleb Project was my home, it’s deserted, burned down. Something else may be built in its place, but there's not much there now. I don't know how long I can hold out, or if I can and am willing to do my bit in the rebuilding.

What do you do when you are homesick and your house has burned down?

There is one thing that sounds like going home: being with Tom! ... in Australia or Central Asia. But it seems so much to ask of one man: Will you be my home? Just because we both want a home does not mean we'd be effective in providing that for each other. I’m not in a place to make that kind of decision yet. But of course it’s often much on my mind, huge, way bigger than the stuff with work.

So, yes: I am getting over some kind of infection, but I’m also depressed, can you tell?! This things don't usually last long but they are scary while they do. One of the things I hate about being depressed is that it is so unfair to other people. We have so much to be grateful for, to be happy about, why do I have to be so negative and useless? Others try to help, but I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need and when other people tell me or try to draw it out of me I get frustrated by that too. However, I have come to believe that the only way through such a test is just that: through it. Not around it.

Well, yesterday’s sermon was on Joshua 1:1-9. Here’s what God says to Joshua, who may have felt much the same as I do at that point. Homeless, hopeless, grieving. Ill-equipped to face the future. Uncertain that he had what it took or that God was leading him. Wondering where to look for direction, what to do. Feeling alone. So God came to him and addressed these things specifically, and turned his perspective around as sometimes only God can:

After the death of Moses the servant of the LORD, the LORD said to Joshua son of Nun, Moses’ aide: “Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land I am about to give to them - to the Israelites. I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses. Your territory will extend from the desert to Lebanon, and from the great river, the Euphrates - all the Hittite country - to the Great Sea on the west. No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

"Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

My prayer for myself lately is: God, do your thing; be as thorough as you need to be, and as gentle as you can be. Blogging does help, you know, in the same way that counseling does. I started this almost two hours ago, came back and tweaked it - and it provides shape for what's going on in my head, helps me get a bit of distance on it so I can tell what I'm looking at.

Kidney Stone

The pain that woke me Thursday night did not begin to subside until nearly dawn. Weary and confused, I wondered if I should try to get to the emergency room. But I had never taken the time to familiarize myself with the details of our new health plan; the papers were somewhere at the office; wonder where?

[My only ER experience to-date resulted in a $1200 bill which was more painful than the original malady. So you can see why I’m reluctant to go there without studying my insurance policy.]

After the most awful pain ebbed I slept again, and woke dazed, at 8:30. Not long after that I had a call from my friend Nancy who was able to give some advice and the name of a doctor we thought would be covered by my new health plan.

At my afternoon appointment I learned that the likely cause of my pain was a kidney-stone, bladder-infection combo. Now I have antibiotics and painkillers, but the doctor urged me not to hesitate to make a middle-of-the-night visit to the ER over the weekend if the pain comes back in a big way.

So, I guess it's time to take it easy. Meg says I shouldn’t go jogging either – suggesting that such activity could spread the infection throughout my system and have some nasty effect like rendering me infertile. Wonder what the doc would say about that? I joked that it would be nice to have the decision about whether or not to have children made for me since life is just too darn complicated already, but Megan scolded me for such thoughts…. Ah, just blame them on the meds!

So, I’ve been reading. Nothing too challenging: things like Deb’s Good Housekeeping magazine. I read it cover-to-cover and discovered a small article written by someone I know. This afternoon I put my greasy hair up in a Central Asian headscarf and settled myself out on the back porch to read the latest Joel Rosenberg thriller, enjoying the international travel and vicarious adventure without having to move a muscle. Ah, life is good. Really, it is. Time for a cup of tea - and another Vicodin...

Dealing with Differences, Part 2: Loyalty & Dissonance

The last year of my life has held so many twists and turns. While most of the time I’ve navigated them – and helped others navigate them – without losing grace, faith, and hope, I think I’m experiencing delayed whiplash.

As our ministry fought to survive, leaders appealed to staff to give loyalty to quickly changing plans, policies, priorities, and personalities. I’m not one to give unthinking lip-service or to just shrug my shoulders and say “whatever.” At times I’ve been tempted; it would certainly be easier! But a friend, a counselor / intercessor type, had prophesied over me that I should not disengage, so I’ve tried to resist that; I’ve been fairly deeply involved in everything that happened. And it has cost me.

My capacity for loyalty has been badly strained. I’ve been enlisted to defend disastrous practices. I’ve come out of it not knowing whom to trust. Even interpreting what happened has been very difficult. People I’ve known for years and/or worked closely with hold radically different and contradictory opinions about that. And I’m in relationship with people on all these different sides.

I think that’s part of why I feel so ‘lost.’ I am trying to stay respectful and loyal and sympathetic to people who have strong, conflicting points of view. It leaves me both feeling confused - not sure what I think - and hypocritical, for listening to ‘the other side.’

It’s not that I don’t have experience with this sort of thing. There are several situations in my family that are like that; I guess I’m just used to them. And of course my work often has me, an evangelical Christian, sitting down with Muslims letting them tell me how great Islam is, but that’s never bothered me. I think everybody and everything is interesting and I want to hear their story and point of view.

But this time it’s tearing me apart. I think this is what my college professors would call “cognitive dissonance.” Here are a couple of definitions I snagged off the web:

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term which describes the uncomfortable tension that comes from holding two conflicting thoughts at the same time, or from engaging in behavior that conflicts with one’s beliefs.

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon which refers to the discomfort felt at a discrepancy between what you already know or believe, and new information or interpretation.

Cognitive dissonance is the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time.

Dissonance increases with:

- The importance of the subject to us.

- How strongly the dissonant thoughts conflict.

- Our inability to rationalize and explain away the conflict.

Dissonance is often strong when we believe something about ourselves and then do something against that belief.

Trying to understand and give credence to radically different points of view has left me with a pretty serious case of dissonance this time. Sort of like indigestion… Actually, a lot like that!

So, with my insides still churning over these indigestible conflicts, I am reluctant to trust. This counselor I’ve started seeing says if you don’t trust someone, yes, it could be because there is something wrong with you, something hurt or broken or cynical, and you have to be able to ‘own’ that. But it could also be that the people you don’t trust are not trustworthy, and it may be a really good idea to, you know, not trust them! How does one know the difference?

I think all the loyalty whiplash has caused me to seriously doubt my own judgment. I come up with alternate points of view about everything and am constantly second-guessing myself. I’ve lost my ability to evaluate things and stand by my own judgments. Or to be a bit more crass, I can’t tell crap when I see or hear it. Or maybe I can tell, can feel it, but I am not willing to call it what it is because maybe it’s just something I don’t understand; maybe it isn’t crap after all. I don’t want to make the call; I could be wrong. Basically, I don’t trust myself.

This is making it very hard to make decisions and commitments and be happy about them. I’m angry, hurt, frustrated and disappointed with various people and situations, and I’m wired up in such a way that people can usually tell. But I’m unwilling to really acknowledge those emotions or give myself permission to let them run their course, partly because I find emotionalism rather distasteful, and partly because people punish you when you express negative emotions, but more, I think, because I have little confidence that my own feelings are justified or valid. All this is making me a bit sick in the head I think. Well, fairly unstable and unhappy anyway.

Phyllis (the counselor) says the way to get better may be to get in touch with who I am as a person. What do I really care about, need, value? Not what do people expect or want from me, or what are good girls or mature Christians supposed to do and think, but who am I really? If I can identify and pull back in the bits of my personality that are really authentic, I can evaluate them and decide what to keep. I can decide what I really need and care about and what things I am willing to be flexible about or want to change or grow in. That should make it a lot easier to trust my own judgment, and then to trust and give my loyalty to other people. Not to always trust, always be loyal, but to give my trust and loyalty where I choose, or (though it still sounds arrogant!) where it is due.

Of course, I seriously like being someone who is open-minded and knows how to listen. And I’m also pleased that a lot of my harsh edges have been knocked off, that I can be gentle and compassionate and flexible and forgiving and understanding. And fair. I want to be fair. I don’t want to get rid of those traits. But I’ve got a hunch there are some unhealthy aspects of them that I don’t need to keep.

This is all pretty scary to me, because Christianity and psychology sometimes seem to pull in different directions. I want to be one of those people who has faith and takes risks. I don’t want to be one of those people who has to have everything figured out. And I don’t want to become one of those people who is mostly interested in ‘doing what is good for me.’ But a true walk of faith is going to be healthy, sustainable, and authentic. So, with your prayers, some help from Phyllis, and the love and wisdom of friends... that’s what I’m working on.