Kidney Stone

The pain that woke me Thursday night did not begin to subside until nearly dawn. Weary and confused, I wondered if I should try to get to the emergency room. But I had never taken the time to familiarize myself with the details of our new health plan; the papers were somewhere at the office; wonder where?

[My only ER experience to-date resulted in a $1200 bill which was more painful than the original malady. So you can see why I’m reluctant to go there without studying my insurance policy.]

After the most awful pain ebbed I slept again, and woke dazed, at 8:30. Not long after that I had a call from my friend Nancy who was able to give some advice and the name of a doctor we thought would be covered by my new health plan.

At my afternoon appointment I learned that the likely cause of my pain was a kidney-stone, bladder-infection combo. Now I have antibiotics and painkillers, but the doctor urged me not to hesitate to make a middle-of-the-night visit to the ER over the weekend if the pain comes back in a big way.

So, I guess it's time to take it easy. Meg says I shouldn’t go jogging either – suggesting that such activity could spread the infection throughout my system and have some nasty effect like rendering me infertile. Wonder what the doc would say about that? I joked that it would be nice to have the decision about whether or not to have children made for me since life is just too darn complicated already, but Megan scolded me for such thoughts…. Ah, just blame them on the meds!

So, I’ve been reading. Nothing too challenging: things like Deb’s Good Housekeeping magazine. I read it cover-to-cover and discovered a small article written by someone I know. This afternoon I put my greasy hair up in a Central Asian headscarf and settled myself out on the back porch to read the latest Joel Rosenberg thriller, enjoying the international travel and vicarious adventure without having to move a muscle. Ah, life is good. Really, it is. Time for a cup of tea - and another Vicodin...

Dealing with Differences, Part 2: Loyalty & Dissonance

The last year of my life has held so many twists and turns. While most of the time I’ve navigated them – and helped others navigate them – without losing grace, faith, and hope, I think I’m experiencing delayed whiplash.

As our ministry fought to survive, leaders appealed to staff to give loyalty to quickly changing plans, policies, priorities, and personalities. I’m not one to give unthinking lip-service or to just shrug my shoulders and say “whatever.” At times I’ve been tempted; it would certainly be easier! But a friend, a counselor / intercessor type, had prophesied over me that I should not disengage, so I’ve tried to resist that; I’ve been fairly deeply involved in everything that happened. And it has cost me.

My capacity for loyalty has been badly strained. I’ve been enlisted to defend disastrous practices. I’ve come out of it not knowing whom to trust. Even interpreting what happened has been very difficult. People I’ve known for years and/or worked closely with hold radically different and contradictory opinions about that. And I’m in relationship with people on all these different sides.

I think that’s part of why I feel so ‘lost.’ I am trying to stay respectful and loyal and sympathetic to people who have strong, conflicting points of view. It leaves me both feeling confused - not sure what I think - and hypocritical, for listening to ‘the other side.’

It’s not that I don’t have experience with this sort of thing. There are several situations in my family that are like that; I guess I’m just used to them. And of course my work often has me, an evangelical Christian, sitting down with Muslims letting them tell me how great Islam is, but that’s never bothered me. I think everybody and everything is interesting and I want to hear their story and point of view.

But this time it’s tearing me apart. I think this is what my college professors would call “cognitive dissonance.” Here are a couple of definitions I snagged off the web:

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term which describes the uncomfortable tension that comes from holding two conflicting thoughts at the same time, or from engaging in behavior that conflicts with one’s beliefs.

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon which refers to the discomfort felt at a discrepancy between what you already know or believe, and new information or interpretation.

Cognitive dissonance is the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time.

Dissonance increases with:

- The importance of the subject to us.

- How strongly the dissonant thoughts conflict.

- Our inability to rationalize and explain away the conflict.

Dissonance is often strong when we believe something about ourselves and then do something against that belief.

Trying to understand and give credence to radically different points of view has left me with a pretty serious case of dissonance this time. Sort of like indigestion… Actually, a lot like that!

So, with my insides still churning over these indigestible conflicts, I am reluctant to trust. This counselor I’ve started seeing says if you don’t trust someone, yes, it could be because there is something wrong with you, something hurt or broken or cynical, and you have to be able to ‘own’ that. But it could also be that the people you don’t trust are not trustworthy, and it may be a really good idea to, you know, not trust them! How does one know the difference?

I think all the loyalty whiplash has caused me to seriously doubt my own judgment. I come up with alternate points of view about everything and am constantly second-guessing myself. I’ve lost my ability to evaluate things and stand by my own judgments. Or to be a bit more crass, I can’t tell crap when I see or hear it. Or maybe I can tell, can feel it, but I am not willing to call it what it is because maybe it’s just something I don’t understand; maybe it isn’t crap after all. I don’t want to make the call; I could be wrong. Basically, I don’t trust myself.

This is making it very hard to make decisions and commitments and be happy about them. I’m angry, hurt, frustrated and disappointed with various people and situations, and I’m wired up in such a way that people can usually tell. But I’m unwilling to really acknowledge those emotions or give myself permission to let them run their course, partly because I find emotionalism rather distasteful, and partly because people punish you when you express negative emotions, but more, I think, because I have little confidence that my own feelings are justified or valid. All this is making me a bit sick in the head I think. Well, fairly unstable and unhappy anyway.

Phyllis (the counselor) says the way to get better may be to get in touch with who I am as a person. What do I really care about, need, value? Not what do people expect or want from me, or what are good girls or mature Christians supposed to do and think, but who am I really? If I can identify and pull back in the bits of my personality that are really authentic, I can evaluate them and decide what to keep. I can decide what I really need and care about and what things I am willing to be flexible about or want to change or grow in. That should make it a lot easier to trust my own judgment, and then to trust and give my loyalty to other people. Not to always trust, always be loyal, but to give my trust and loyalty where I choose, or (though it still sounds arrogant!) where it is due.

Of course, I seriously like being someone who is open-minded and knows how to listen. And I’m also pleased that a lot of my harsh edges have been knocked off, that I can be gentle and compassionate and flexible and forgiving and understanding. And fair. I want to be fair. I don’t want to get rid of those traits. But I’ve got a hunch there are some unhealthy aspects of them that I don’t need to keep.

This is all pretty scary to me, because Christianity and psychology sometimes seem to pull in different directions. I want to be one of those people who has faith and takes risks. I don’t want to be one of those people who has to have everything figured out. And I don’t want to become one of those people who is mostly interested in ‘doing what is good for me.’ But a true walk of faith is going to be healthy, sustainable, and authentic. So, with your prayers, some help from Phyllis, and the love and wisdom of friends... that’s what I’m working on.

Dealing with Differences, Part 1: Groovy Spirituality

Self-Directed Life
- Self is on the throne
- Christ is outside the life
- Interests are directed by self, often resulting in discord and frustration

Christ-Directed Life
- Christ is in the life and on the throne
- Self is yielding to Christ, resulting in harmony with God's plan
- Interests are directed by Christ, resulting in harmony with God's plan

"These two circles represent two kinds of lives.

1. Which circle best represents your life?
2. Which circle would you like to have represent your life?"

See this illustration in context, here.

Roommate Deb and I were recently talking about our college experiences with Campus Crusade for Christ. A sincere nonbeliever until her junior or senior year, Deb would patiently let the Crusaders share the Four Spiritual Laws with her every semester or so. She thinks she frustrated more than one by answering the 'second question' here in Law 4, "Which question would you LIKE to have represent your life, incorrectly, glibly professing, "The circle on the left."

Moreover, Deb took issue with the diagram. She insisted that God must be a God of creativity - the whole thing with the dots did not seem right. Wouldn't He want the dots all different shapes and sizes and colors, not all lined up in a rigid row around the edge of the circle? She knew God was more groovy than that! (It was the 70s...) And of course He is. (Every model - and every evangelistic strategy - has its limits!)

"You must have had a lot of Crusaders praying for you!" I remarked. "They were! And it worked," she added. The Four Spiritual Laws never did much for her, but seeing her friend Lisa coming back from a Campus Crusade Christmas conference clearly transformed by the power of God, did. Deb listened to Lisa’s scattered 'testimony' and wanted what she had. Deb gave her life to Christ and has been walking with God ever since.

I think Deb's objection to the circle diagrams is similar to the debate that's been going on in missions circles about the question of contextualization. How much is it appropriate to change our message and means of communicating the gospel and the call to be the church? On one hand, allegiance to Christ seems to mean turning from our old ways and leaving them behind - a clear change of power, as in the circle diagram. Christ on the throne, not self, and that has a way of radically rearranging everything else in one's life. On the other hand, Christ meets people where they are, within their lives and families and cultures. Why would He want to extract us and make us unable to share and model new life within the communities He had put us in in the first place?

Ironically, believers struggling with these contextualization questions seem to seek universal answers - models and principles that will work the whole world over. But if what we are talking about has to do with context, the answer has to be: there's not one right answer. It depends.

Discovering (under teaching from Campus Crusade, actually) that God loves diversity and wants to be glorified in different ways by different kinds of people, was a key aha! moment in my life. It's what turned the key for me to say, yeah, I can be part of this evangelism/missions thing. On a personal level, I knew there was room for someone like me, and on a missiological level, I was no longer suspicious of - or even offended by - the idea of taking the gospel to all the nations of the earth. It was about inviting people to be set free and tap into God's power for transformed lives and communities; it wasn't about making them give up who they are to be like us.

So, this is a key thing in my life, what I do and how I see the world, but it's been assaulted in recent months. And that’s really what I want to write about: I've been holding out on you. Stay tuned. Part 2 will be up Tuesday or Wednesday. (Later: You can read it here.)

Jogging - Update

Today - for the first time, I did it: I ran two whole miles. Woohoo!

It is nice to have someone to tell. (I love attention...)

Don't Leave Home Without - What?

Unpacking my suitcase for, what, the sixth time so far this year? I see that for a basically unsystematic person I have a definite packing system. Here are my top tips for getting in and out of town with minimal hassle and regret.

1. Avoid packing and unpacking toiletries by maintaining a separate set of just about everything. Pick up some of those 3-oz. plastic containers and fill them with shampoo, lotion, etc. Store them in an airplane-ready quart-sized bag. This way you can pack fast and are less likely to forget important items. You can also fly without checking your luggage, at least on short trips given current regulations. Keep another ziplock bag with all your 'dry' toiletry items like cotton balls, kleenex, and Q-tips. The plastic bags are not as elegant as some things available, but there is an advantage in being able to see what you have! When you come home, you can brush your teeth and wash your face without having to dig in your suitcase, because your regular stuff is still waiting for you at home. When you do get around to unpacking, stash these travel-ready bags in the closet until you need to refill and use them again.

2. Want to fit the most clothes in the smallest space? Lay out the largest thing on the botton, and layer everything else on top of it in a single pile. Roll the pile tight and put it in your bag or suitcase. You'll be amazed how much you can bring and how much space you save. This only really works, though, if you are going someplace where you can unpack at your destination. If you are moving around every day or two and need to live out of a suitcase it is awkward, as you cannot extract specific items from the roll without unpacking the whole thing.

3. Pack any medications you may need in small transparent containers that don't take up much space; again, there's an advantage in being able to what you have so you know when you are about to run out. You can also pack dissimilar meds, like antacids and aspirin, in the same container to make sure you have what you may need without having to overpack. The chances of getting them mixed up are slim.

4. Always bring an eye cover, ear plugs, a pair of socks, and a sweatshirt or something else to keep you comfortable if the place you are sleeping turns out to be too light, noisy, or cold.

5. Make sure you have a good book - preferably a paperback with lots of words on the page so you won't finish it by the time your shuttle gets to the airport. When I say a 'good book,' I don't mean one that's particularly improving, something heady or serious or related to your field which you want to be seen reading or have been meaning to pick up - no, I mean one that's actually fun and easy to read, a good escape that can be enjoyed without a great deal of thought.

What do you think? What are your favorite tricks?

White House Atwitter

"WASHINGTON, May 4 — How does George W. Bush, a towel-snapping Texan who puts his feet on the coffee table, drinks water straight from the bottle and was once caught on tape talking with food in his mouth prepare for a state dinner with the queen?

"The White House is atwitter over the visit on Monday by Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh. ...It will be closely watched by the social elite for its collision of cultures — Texas swagger meets British prim."

[The cultural differences between Britons and Americans can be as big as any. I enjoyed this article from the New York Times. Click the headline to see whole story.]

Blogging and Jogging

I have some deeper stuff to write about but for today, just this: I'm still running. Like blogging, it's good therapy, and I'm gradually improving. 1.5 miles has become my new minimum. OK, usually the maximum too, but it's a step up! (Extra benefits: I've lost 10 pounds and my legs look, well, um, pretty great.)

But Westridge, the rec. center I frequent, is closed this week. I'm not quite up to running outside. Although it would be more beautiful, the trails nearby lack the clear benchmarks that keep me going and include weather, hills, and other challenges / distractions.

Yesterday I tried another rec. center in our system: Northridge. And I'm here to report, it's a dud. The track is covered with carpet, no markings of any kind, and 18 laps to the mile, too small. Plus it was overrun with teenagers. I felt like I was running in their living room.

Tonight I will try Eastridge, and maybe go check out Southridge, as well, within the next few days. That's the newest and may be the nicest.

Who would have predicted I'd become a recreation snob? Of course, not so much a snob that I'd put money into it. All four of them are free, benefits of living in Highlands Ranch.