Not Again...

Some things just keep coming back around. This week I've been running into this again. It's just so darn frustrating.

I am also feeling sorry for myself that so little of my regular interaction is with people who really get me, "my kind" of people. Soul mates, life-long friends. I have quite a few, but they aren't part of my daily life, so - with so many of the other kinds of relationships requiring so much energy - I don't reach out much to the people with whom I feel a true connection. Small touches like through blogging and social networking help a lot; so would the phone, if I could manage to pick it up! The people I'm physically around, though, day in and day out, at work, church, home? They are not "best friend" material, for me, at least I don't think so. But they are decent comrades. I don't have much to complain about.

A few of them, while still not "like me," are ones with whom I've been through enough that it's almost as good. Those relationships are sort of like my friendship with E., whom I met in junior high; we're not much alike, but have been friends so long she's more like a sister or cousin. We've spent so much time together that the differences are never dissonant. We have a deep sense of sympathy for one another. I think we're going to take a vacation together next year.

So I have a couple of those kind of relationships in my daily life: people I really care about and love enough to be their advocate and champion, enjoy spending time together, etc. even though we don't really "get" each other that much. We love each other; we're willing to work at it, and not just because we "have to," we really like and care about each other. Even if I long for friends with whom I have deep, natural chemistry, I'm blessed with some friendships that are nearly as fruitful. "A lot of times I don't 'get' you, but I love you!" they say to me, I say to them.

I did have an enemy, I'll confess - and the situation was serious enough that there seemed no fixing it; it was probably my largest cause of stress this last year or so. Maybe the fact that he was suddenly and mercifully removed from my life is part of my current level of disappointment, strangely - things are so much better now that I notice the other disappointments, more?

I guess being understood, truly, and appreciated as well, is a rare thing for everyone - working at it, and navigating the hurt feelings, frustrations, disappointments, etc. is much more the norm - so why do I feel so let down?

On a lighter note, SM (a coworker) and I were chatting one day about the scan/fax/copy machine, with which he was having some trouble. "Why can't it read my mind?" he said. It took only a moment for both of us to realize that it was one office machine we wouldn't want to be able to do that. (Just imagine the fax machine sending out your actual thoughts to everyone you know! At least on a blog there's some editing!)

As Buechner says in Telling Secrets, being "known" is simultaneously the object of our greatest longing and our greatest fear.

But think of this, what a blessing it is to have a relationship with someone who actually CAN read our minds - and still embrace us warmly - and still protect us - and pull us out of our slumps - and able to walk alongside and help untangle any mess! His perspective is completely trustworthy (he's never wrong), his approach, his tone, exactly what they ought to be. Where could I find all that in any other friend?

So, we'll wrap up this little counseling session on loneliness with a trip back to the Psalms...

Psalm 147

1 Praise the LORD.
How good it is to sing praises to our God,
how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

2 The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the exiles of Israel.

3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.

4 He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.

5 Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit.