Coffee, Tea, and Concentration

"Writing is hard work," says theologian N.T. Wright. "You have to have something burning inside you that you want to say..." Even then, he confessed, for him it required a certain amount of assistance from coffee and other caffeinated substances.

"That's really the amazing thing about the apostle Paul, isn't it? That he accomplished as much as he did without coffee? Simply extraordinary!"

On the way home from a Starbucks run with a coworker a while back I mentioned that one thing I wanted to investigate in Kazakhstan was the availability of (quality, non-instant) coffee. He was surprised at the question, assuming that Kazakhs, like (many) Turks and Arabs, would be coffee people. Nope: I'm pretty sure tea is the thing.

Wondering about other parts of the Muslim world, we ran into Sean, who spent several years in Southeast Asia. We knew he could round out our little survey. "Sean, in Indonesia: coffee or tea?"

His answer surprised me. "Men drink coffee and women drink tea." I'd never heard of such a thing. When pressed he explained that tea was the formal drink, and what people would serve when they offered hospitality in their homes; coffee was a drink of the street, something a couple of guys would stop for when they were out and about.

The group I took to Central Asia this last summer certainly drank tea when interviewing local folks. But one of the girls confessed a secret wish to drink tea with a British person. She and I interviewed several Britons while we were there. One time the British guy offered us tea and didn't have any, himself, so it did not count. Another time we were given tea with milk and jam tarts, and it was all perfect, but instead of pouring a cup for himself he had - oh no, coffee! Her hopes were dashed.

I recently heard that Australia has a proliferation of little Italian espresso places, everywhere.

Me, I like it all.

On a more serious note... Even with the obligatory coffee or tea at hand I find thinking and writing are both hard work. I'm hoping to do some serious reflection in the weeks to come, dealing with these awkward questions recently re-opened.

Even now, I'm at a women's retreat up in Estes Park, and it's free time. I stayed back to write and pray instead of going into town to poke in little shops, or going for a walk. It's been a bit draining already, the imposition of having to tell so many people here what is going on in my life when they ask. Part of me wants my privacy back, wants to just say 'I'm fine' and keep people at arm's length.

But I need people... and I need help exploring these big questions. Ones like: Who am I? What do I bring to my work, and to my relationships? What do I need to be effective - in work, or in relationships? I thought I knew but am somewhat confused again, and don't seem to know what my expectations are until they are frustrated. I had a pretty angry couple days at work this week. Particularly the day we had a mandatory, disorganized, last-minute meeting that went on for hours. I hate poorly led meeting! I couldn't pardon that. Even though I got something out of it, in the end. But not before I spoke up, let others see my frustration, acted like a jerk. I'd like to avoid those kind of scenes if they aren't necessary!

While resilience and flexibility are key traits I see growing in myself and want to keep cultivating, I need to figure out who I am. I want to know myself better so I can make some wise decisions in the months to come. Feel like I stand at a crossroads. I need to know God and know myself, better, before I can know which way to go. Even then, it may involve stepping out in uncertainty.

I'm also actually going to give Phyllis a call. Yes, some of you know, that's Phyllis the counselor in the building down the street. She already knows as much as anyone about what happened at Caleb Project and how different people feel about it, so she's offered three free sessions to anyone who wants some help working through these things. Free, at least at first, that appeals to me. So does talking to someone who has some of the background down, at least about the work situation.

Even though different people mention this offer to me every day or two, though, I have resisted. Counseling is hard work. I've done it before. And for it to be really worthwhile you can't just show up, you have to work at it: to be willing to seek, hear, and believe painful truths and do the hard work of delving into ambiguous topics, even between sessions! Do I want to hear the truth? Do I want to work? It all sounds like it will take so much energy! Will it be worthwhile, for me, at this time? I am not entirely sure.

Man, though, I wish Jesus would just take care of the emotional maintenance without me. My reluctance reminds me of the old joke: "Farmer, when you going to fix that leakin' roof?" "Aw, when it rains, it's too wet, and when it's dry, it's just as good as any man's house!"

Thanks for your prayers.