At the end of a meeting yesterday Caleb Project and its board were officially dissolved. There was a bit of money left over. International staff (who lost the most) received 90% payment on certain kinds of expenses, and a $700 gift will go to [the ministry account of] everyone still working for the agency at the time of the February 13 layoffs as long as they have joined another mission agency or non-profit ministry (or set up a way to receive funds through their church). Some of my colleagues still working in the Denver office are extremely grateful to the 2-3 people who took care of the closing (receiving, I believe, fairly generous salaries to do so) - they want to hold a special event to thank these folks for sticking with it. One of them, the one who announced the closure in an email today, also expressed gratitude to the board of directors: "I believe that they have demonstrated integrity and courage, both as a group and as individuals ... [and] it is my sincere hope that each of you is able to gratefully receive this expression of kindness."
Legally, laying us off and keeping the money we raised to pay the closing expenses is, well, fine. And it appears to have been the only way out. It could have been a lot worse.
On the other hand, due to board and leadership mismanagement, most of us lost any claim to thousands of dollars given for our salaries and ministries. Apologies or admissions of guilt, particularly in the financial matters, have been few and very cautious. Overnight we lost our jobs and the community that meant so much to so many of us - a much larger tragedy. And now we’re supposed to say thank you?
"The scandal of forgiveness confronts anyone who agrees to a moral ceasefire just because someone says, ‘I’m sorry.’
"When I feel wronged, I can contrive a hundred reasons against forgiveness.
"He needs to learn a lesson. I don’t want to encourage irresponsible behavior. I’ll let her stew for a while; it will do her good. She needs to learn that actions have consequences. I was the wronged party – it’s not up to me to make the first move. How can I forgive if he’s not even sorry?
"I marshal my arguments until something happens to wear down my resistance. When I finally soften to the point of granting forgiveness, it seems a capitulation, a leap from hard logic to mushy sentiment.
"...Forgiveness alone can halt the cycle of blame and pain, breaking the cycle of ungrace. ...I readily admit forgiveness is unfair. Hinduism, with its doctrine of karma, provides a far more satisfying sense of fairness.
"...The word resentment expresses what happens if the cycle goes uninterrupted. it means, literally, 'to feel again': resentment clings to the past, relives it over and over, picks each fresh scab so that the wound never heals.
"... Forgiveness offers a way out."
(Philip Yancey, What’s So Amazing About Grace, chapter 8, "Why Forgive?")
4 comments:
Marti-
Good post. And, if only for one more time, its nice to see Paul's CP logo a top something.
Yancey is quite profound. Lewis Smede's "Forgive & Forget" is also a wonderful exploration of the process of forgiveness. I've found it quite helpful.
Not much more to say.
Caleb Project, requiescat in pace. May your tribe increase.
Thanks, Dave. Good word. Yes, it was nice to use that ol' CP logo. My pal Sarah and I showed several CP videos at our last training event and both of us felt that 'ah, Caleb Project!' feeling when Paul's logo spun onto the screen.
Deb and I spent a couple hours with the Fritzes last night. Very refreshing to catch up. I also brought them the 'Congratulations on your 25th anniversary, Caleb Project!" engraved clock that was a gift from OMF. We thought they ought to have it.
Jennifer Fritz just turned 18 and is about to graduate from high school; when did that happen?
In tidying up the CP library I read some of the old 'Caleb Connector' editions in our archives, with an eye to pulling up some of the best-of for summer re-runs in the Missions Catalyst?
(Assuming I can get the Catalyst running smoothly again. Will next week's edition use a new system? That is what I hope. The responsibility for doing my own IT work rests uneasy on my shoulders.)
I may be thought of as a troublemaker and unChristlike after this, but I really want to say this anyway. I think far too many Christians are convinced that to forgive means that everything is fine now and they can no longer be angry at the injustice done. I think that's what leads to the false thinking/feelings that Yancy refers to in one of the quotes you gave: When I finally soften to the point of granting forgiveness, it seems a capitulation, a leap from hard logic to mushy sentiment.
I totally get that. I have far too often felt that way. And I realize now it’s because I completely misunderstood what forgiveness is and means --and doesn't mean. I thought it meant I had to act as if nothing was wrong, nothing had happened and all was just as fine and great as it was before. So-so-SO far from the truth!!
I often think back to the lessons on forgiveness ya'll gave us during our Caleb training for India. That taught me so much and has stuck with me ever since (so did the spiritual warfare one!). Good, good stuff.
One of the things I learned there, and continue to learn even now is that forgiving someone doesn't mean you're suddenly not angry any more. Nor does it mean you give up your right to BE angry.
You CAN forgive and STILL be angry, still not trust them, still feel betrayed. Forgiveness is a daily choice because wounds from friends and trusted leaders take a ton of time. The hurt often runs deep. That pain doesn't go away in an instant. Anger is the soul's way of protecting its hurting parts, of letting us know something isn't right and needs to be changed, so as long as the hurt is there, anger will be too. The trick is to "be angry but sin not". In other words, feel your anger, acknowledge it but don't let it run your life; don't let it abound unchecked.
Nor does forgiveness mean you just forget all the wrong they did and that you act as if nothing is wrong between you. Something is VERY wrong between you. And it will be for a long time. It’s going to take you a long while to trust them again. And I think that's a good thing. They've proven untrustworthy and they need to earn that trust back.
You said, due to board and leadership mismanagement, most of us lost any claim to thousands of dollars given for our salaries and ministries. Apologies or admissions of guilt, particularly in the financial matters, have been few and very cautious. Overnight we lost our jobs and the community that meant so much to so many of us - a much larger tragedy. And now we’re supposed to say thank you?
THAT is something to be angry about. Truthfully! You were wronged in a major way. Injustice occurred. Betrayal occurred. I'm convinced God is angry over this. Injustice and betrayal always piss Him off.
Who says you're supposed to say thank you for them cleaning up their own mess? "Supposed to,” like "should," imply Law, or rules. So whose law/rules say you say thank you to a person cleaning up the mess from their OWN wrong actions? I don't see it anywhere in the Bible. Jesus told the disciples they shouldn't expect thank yous for merely doing their duty (Luke 17:7-10), so I don't think its God. So to me, then, that "supposed to thank them" needs serious questioning. That's a man-made rule, not a God-made one.
I think most of us followers of Jesus feel the pinch of the "shoulds" - we should forgive, we should say thank you - so we do capitulate and end up being so disingenuous and feeling completely unsatisfied. It’s this behavior that leads us to feel the same as Yancy says, that we've capitulated. This leads to bitterness just as surely as dwelling on our hurt and anger do.
Look, please don't misunderstand me here. I realize it may appear that I'm advocating non-forgiveness. I'm not.
What I am advocating is an honest dealing with your emotions, your hurt and pain caused by the board and authenticity in everyone's dealings with each other.
They have yet to apologize, and that hurts as well, and will for a long time. While that is no reason to withhold forgiveness, it IS a reason to withhold "thank you gifts.” Do leaders deserve honor when they have refused to be transparent and authentic, refusing to own up to their mistakes and betrayal?
Grace says we treat them with kindness, but it doesn't say we honor their dishonesty.
Be angry when the anger comes, friend. Don't stuff it down, deny its existence, or beat yourself up because of it, saying, “I ‘shouldn’t’ feel this way because I’ve forgiven. Let it come out and be acknowledged, because in doing so you acknowledge the hurt, pain, and betrayal you still feel. Just don't set up camp and live there in that angry place. Let it come, give it time to express itself and then let it die down as it naturally will.
PS- Boy, I'm glad my self-imposed 500 word limit doesn't apply to comments on other blogs!! ;)
Thanks for being honest, Marti. NOTHING inappropriate about what you wrote.
We are further away from the pain, partly because of our geographic isolation. But when I return to lead prayer in late July or early Aug, it will rise to the surface.
Injustice? Totally.
I deal with it here, too, every day. Being surrounded by poverty with few solutions is painful. That's part of why we're returning back to the US. I'm ready for some isolation from this pain.
May God give you rest in dealing with the pain there.
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