Pesky Emotions

“Emotional reactions can surprise, even ambush us,” says Gordon MacDonald in his book on resilience. It was due back at the library and I had to race through the last chapters so I could return it before leaving town. In this section, though, I slowed down, reading it through twice and copying down the salient points for further reflection. This is an area of struggle for me as well.

I live much more in the world of ideas and would rather not have to deal with emotions. Especially my own. Probably the emotion I’m most comfortable with is anger. Rather unfortunate, eh? In vain have I wished I could be one of those girls who, when upset, just melts prettily into tears. But maybe that only happens in the movies and on TV.

If I don’t pay attention to and make peace with my emotions, though, they have much more control over me than they need to. MacDonald comes to the same conclusion: neglect emotions at your peril.

As in other sections of the book, he reflects on the aspects of his life and development that brought him to where he is. As a boy he had been an emotional person, quick to cry over injustice, or sentiment, or hurt. As he grew up he was encouraged to push such emotions away.

And as he became a pastor, he found even more reasons to do so. “It became less important for me to know how I was feeling and more important to deal with the emotions of others. But my own emotions? I ignored them as much as possible … I used to pride myself on the fact that I kept my emotions to myself.”

Or so he thought, anyway. His wife knew better. He had emotions, all right. He just didn’t know what to do with them. “I suspect that this failure to respect and then to discipline my emotions – to give them their due – led me toward some midlife difficulties that could have been avoided.”

How do we recognize our emotions and the power they have over us? How do we listen to them and harness that power, rather than either denying it or being controlled by it? MacDonald answers those questions not so much with do’s and don’ts as a series of descriptive, diagnostic statements which I found rather helpful:

“First, I discipline my emotions when I make sure that they are not blocking the truths I need to hear.”

“Second, I am disciplining emotions when I make sure that they do not overrule what I know in my heart is good and right.”

Ah. Are we so sensitive, one way or the other, that we can’t be approached by someone speaking truth? That seems pretty common. Easier to recognize in others than in ourselves, perhaps. I remember a short-term team member for whom I was responsible who was greatly struggling with a situation that was largely a mess of her own creation. But nobody could help her and speak the firm words she seemed to need because she was so touchy about the matter that to approach it would send her into tears. Just one way to build walls that keep the truth at bay. I said, “there, there,” when what I wanted to say is, “Don’t be a dummy, now; we can make this better!”

I, too, may cover my eyes with my hands and peer through them at my problems. That does tend to distort things and lead to fear-based reactions rather than thoughtful responses. There’s a better way.

“Third, I am disciplining my emotions when I take moments to pause and ask, what are my prevailing feelings right now Do they accurately reflect my situations? If I feel down, do I have reason to be down? If I am elated, does the reality of the moment justify that feeling? Is the anger I feel justified; is it in proportion to the situation?”

He gives the example of Saul, consumed by rage and jealousy and chasing David around the desert. MacDonald suggests, mildly, “This would have been a good time for Saul to stop and say to himself, what’s happening here that explains my conduct?” I had to laugh at the picture of Saul stopping to cogitate on his conduct, but I’ve been in Saul’s position. Maybe I haven’t “slain my thousands” (jealous of those who slay more) but there have certainly been people I’d rather not share the planet with. I’ve had lots of battles with them in my mind, battles in which they say and do really terrible things that I can then put on my imaginary list of offenses. (I hope you never do this!)

“Finally,” says MacDonald,

“I am disciplining my emotions if I am careful to translate them into responsible action.”

There it is. Let’s strive to be those who can hear truth, choose what is right and good, put our emotions into perspective, and respond to them like responsible people.

Quotes from Gordon MacDonald, A Resilient Life, pp. 164-179