Thank you thank you thank you

Here's a good example of the kind of emails I like to get. You probably do, too. This one showed up in my in-box Friday morning.

"O my goodness. I cannot believe that you finished ________! Wow. Awesome. ... Thank you thank you thank you for all of the time and energy you put into that ...

"Marti, you have been such an encouragement to me. Thank you. You are wonderful.

"And you were right about _________. I have found that it makes a huge difference. [concrete example here] I am encouraged. And even in the past couple of days I have thought of ways I can change certain things for the better ...

"Thanks for reading, Marti! Hope you have a wonderful day today."

My friend Elizabeth wrote this. She's very much an encourager. (Can you tell?!) She's also very open to input from others. So, it's easy for me to bless her and make a difference in her life, too.

The circumstances of our relationship don't hurt. Elizabeth is about half my age, and she's overseas this summer doing work for which I trained her. We spent a good bit of time together last summer, and she confided in me about her hopes and struggles, and I've shared some of my own with her as well.

Now she's back on the field, leading a group of people who, for the most part, have not done this kind of work before. She doesn't have a lot of people she can turn to for feedback and affirmation. It isn't surprising that she'd be particular responsive to any helpful words I send her way.

Her expressions of gratitude are not due, then, to me being so wise and wonderful. They are more due to Liz being in a vulnerable situation, and to her being so tender, and open, and in the habit of speaking words that bless and encourage.

I could learn a lot about affirmation from paying attention to how Elizabeth does things.

* * *

I don't have a knack for encouraging. I'm more of a trouble-shooter, the kind of person who points out nuances or problems or issues that others might not see. That can be good, too. But my skills in encouragement are not so sharp.

This year I've tried to keep my message to Elizabeth and her team pretty simple. I think it's getting through. What I have to say to them is this:

"You can do it!"

I bet I could put THOSE words to use in more places, too.

I've been thinking a bit about resilience, lately. What is it that develops in people the kind of flexibility and endurance that can see them through ambiguous and changing situations, and remain content?

One thing my scanty research* has turned up is that it's good to have high expectations. I've often heard that if you want to do well, cross-culturally, you need to be willing to go into it without any expectations, or with low expectations. I have never known how to do that, or how to teach other people how to do that.

But the people who research psychological resilience seem to say that on the contrary, high expectations are helpful. People rise to the occasion when they feel empowered, when they believe that others have high expectations from them and expect them to do well.

The people who get beat up in crises are those who feel helpless and incompetent. So, the message "You can do this!" equips people to cut their way through the emotional jungles.

Have you seen this in your own life? Who is there in your life that says to you, "You can do it!" Have you had a parent, teacher, pastor, mentor, or friend who spoke those words into your life?

* Yes, that's right, I looked in Wikipedia - shh! But this entry looks pretty solid.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_resilience