Wednesday morning I spent some time looking through my journals from 2002. I was living overseas for about a year on “sabbatical.” It was also a time of rather intense personal growth, both because I’d taken off from my regular job for a season for just that purpose, and because if I wanted to survive in a cross-cultural situation, I knew I'd have to dig in and pay aggressive attention to my surroundings and my own feelings and how I was responding to both.
Found it somewhat helpful, but also painful, to see my day-to-day experiences from that period and how I processed them in those journals. I don’t do that as much anymore. I haven’t been growing at that aggressive rate, either. Hmmm, connected?
Of course, opportunities to talk about what life was like for me, in English, were rare. That was another reason I journaled so avidly. I couldn't talk. Or at least not much more than babytalk. As a single person and a beginning language learner, I was discouraged from spending much time with teammates or other English speakers. Hard, but good. So I did a lot of writing.
I also realized that I still have some of the same problems as I did there and then. I'd like to do a better job at anticipating them and facing them down when they come. Well, I have different ways of processing things too. And these days life is not nearly so dramatic, most of the time... That's fine with me.
One of the things I struggled with then seems to have more and more a place in my life as I get older. In fact it seems part of the cost of getting older. Simply this: Others seem to think that you know what you are doing.
Something about my personality encourages this, and age exacerbates the effect.
Now, there are pros and cons to that. It does open doors so I can serve people in ways I might not otherwise be able to consider. But it can also mean others treat me as an omni-competent person and take my contribution for granted. I don't get as much affirmation, encouragement, or recognition as I think I would if I were younger, newer, or more obviously struggling to accomplish the things that I do. I don’t like that. I really like to be appreciated and affirmed. (Publicly, if possible!)
I think one helpful response is to reevaluate where I find my significance and identity. Just who am I trying to please, and why?
You know, there may not be so many opportunities to get affirmation, encouragement, and recognition as once there were, but there are more and more opportunities to GIVE it in a meaningful way, aren't there?
I don’t think this dynamic is unique to me. Is this part of how it feels to be a parent? Oh, dang, do you suppose I'm turning into a grownup?!
No comments:
Post a Comment