It Didn't Work Out

Friends, yesterday instead of getting on a plane to Kazakhstan for a month there with Tom I took a flight in the other direction and write you from my home in Colorado. Things did not work out between us.

I adore Tom and am just devastated; he feels the same. I can't believe we are not together. But I'm also glad I made this trip, gave this relationship a fair go, pursued things as actively and openly as we did. I learned a lot - the relationship has been quite a positive experience. We had a lot going for us, and many potential obstacles seemed fairly surmountable. In terms of chemistry, many of our values, and what we really live for, our life purpose: we're great together!

But with much reluctance we realized we needed to acknowledge that in several significant ways we may just not be well-suited for a good, long-term fruitful marriage. Some of these things were evident from the beginning but we did not want to admit, as questions turned to concerns, that these differences mattered.

After several hard conversations about this, Tom came up behind me at one of the Spring Harvest gatherings, put his arm around me and whispered, 'I think we're both too desperate to make this relationship work, and we need to recognize that we may not be a great match.' Devastating. We wept and held each other all through the meeting. A couple of kids seated in front of us kept turning around to stare.

I think we both wonder if since God brought us so far this is not just a challenge to be surmounted, that we might be together in the end after all? But we need to be willing to let it go.

We talked about me going to Kazakhstan anyway, either give it another try or just be friends. I still had a place to stay and some things to do, and I'd cleared my schedule after all. The ticket was nonchangeable, nonrefundable. But I didn't think I could take it and stay strong.

It was so hard having to make such a decision with only each other, no one else we knew and could talk to, and needing to keep things stable for the sake of Tom's kids since we were all together. And almost up to the last minute I was not 100% sure if I would go with him or say goodbye, because of trouble changing my ticket. Did it mean I should just go on? The last few days have been really strange - a last couple days to enjoy each other before we would probably go separate ways.

Anyway, I'm back at home and will go back to work on Monday too, I guess. Appreciate your prayers for both of us. I don't know how to handle this.

(Plus it's going to snow again today and I think I got a cold on the airplane and I have been up since 2:00 am. Part of me just wants to file a complaint with someone about all this, as if I had some inalienable right to sunshine, sleep, health, and yes, romantic love.)

God, it's still true: you have been nothing but good to me, but right now I'm so sad and disappointed!