Grief

I go from shock to sadness, frustration, anger, to acceptance and hope and back again with the situation at Initiative360. We've already said goodbye to three staff members this month (Tom, Seana, and Luke) and two more resignations, effectively immediately, were submitted and accepted yesterday (from Gwen and Ken). Four or five members of our board of directors have also resigned. We're also preparing to consolidate office space to cut down on rent.

I still don't know what Greg and Nancy's status will be but for now it's sabbatical. If the organization is able to make it through our current economic crisis they will be able to continue getting an income and benefits - as will the rest of us. But the future is quite uncertain.

I'm not OK with this. And I'm still out of the office. Will I come back from one of these trips and find I have no office to return to? It's a very real possibility.

My first response to crisis is often excitement, but with policies and personnel constantly changing I'm just weary - and need to fight giving in to the melodrama and self-pity.

We have a major training event immediately after I return to the office - training 10 people in ethnographic research techniques. It will last all week. Maybe that's good. It's work I love and very involving, will take up most of my attention until the end of the month.

Yesterday I said goodbye to Tom after 24 days of being together every day. It's possible I'll go see him in London in just a few weeks; his kids will be on holiday and there's a place for me to stay at the YWAM base. Would be great to meet the kids - it's a crucial step. But all this travel is taking a toll even as it spares me other stresses. And the cost of the plane ticket would come out of savings at this point.

If I don't make the trip to London it may be a while before I see my love again - and will probably mean going to Central Asia: an important thing to do as well. But in some ways a much bigger deal. Looking out from this time of grief and confusion I'm not sure how much I am up for the challenge, and if I make a plan, how I will feel when the time comes to follow it.

On the other hand, this is all just an unavoidable tension in a cross-cultural, cross-continental relationship. I LOVE being with Tom, and would not trade this. What a gift!