Hard Times

I though I'd write something light and playful about now, but today is not the day! Once again I feel, well, to be a bit melodramatic about it, kind of on the brink of madness! All week I've been dealing with a deep-seated conflict and it's tearing me apart. Alone and lonely, depressed and afraid, longing both for the life that I no longer have and for another which seems unattainable. The summer seems so long and empty, and contentment and peace so elusive. Yuck!

However, I know this is a common-enough experience, and that pain (while you are in it) seems eternal.

We are given no miraculous signs; no prophets are left, and none of us knows how long this will be. (Psalm 74:9)

And, (once again!) the words of a someone I had the privilege of interviewing and writing about years ago comes to mind. I'm so glad for the ways God has wired these stories into me. Writing or teaching is so good for that.

"Donna" was living in Central Asia when she lost her dearly loved father. She not know how to grieve over it. For a long time there was nobody who could really come alongside her and help her see she wasn't crazy...

“I didn’t know how to do this grief thing. I was really hurting. No one here had ever met my dad except for my husband, who only knew him a little bit, and nobody was at the funeral with me. So it was only a loss for me. But I was here, and my twins had just turned a year old. When I came back after the funeral it seemed like the whole world was invited to my house as guests. ‘Don’t be upset,’ they all told me. ‘Don’t tell me not to be upset!’ I wanted to shout, ‘I am upset!’ It was a really, really hard thing. It helped that I knew the Lord and knew my father was with him. But it still hurt like all get-out!”

Feeling unable to express her grief made things worse. “I couldn’t cry in front of the kids, because it would upset them. With three kids, relatives, and guests staying with us, what could I do? I couldn’t have quiet times, because I knew I would cry! I had ‘ritual’ times, but I knew if I really engaged with God I would cry. You just get distant from God if you live that way.

“I thought I was obsessed or going insane. I loved my dad so much but I didn’t know why it hurt so bad for so long. It was all very confusing for our marriage. I talked to my husband about how I felt, but he didn’t know what was normal either. I would ask him, ‘Am I insane?’ ‘I don’t know,’ he said.

"I thought I was a basket case."

Finally, someone came along who had been through a similar experience, and that really helped. Donna also told me she had to adjust her perspective on God and what he promises:

“God has promised to walk through this stuff with us,” says Donna. “Well, I didn’t want to walk through this, or be walked through it; I wanted to go a different direction! God promises he will be with us in this world. He didn’t promise things wouldn’t hurt.

"When all the people left Jesus, the disciples still said, ‘Where else would we go?’ I knew no matter whatever else happened in the world, I had no other place to go but God.

“My heart didn’t feel it. I couldn’t sing those songs like, ‘Lord you are good.’ It took about a year before I could feel anything in my heart but pain. It was hard. He had kept his promises to me, and they were good. They just were not the promises I thought he had made.”

One of the pastors at my church often shares stories about things he's learned from his wife. A few weeks ago he share something she said way back when they were in college. Dan sat up and took notice when Kerri, coming upon him when he was struggling, said: "When I'm going through a hard time, I like to read the book of 1 Peter."

What an excellent suggestion. I think I'll dive in and look at it. Today, this verse, 1 Peter 5:7, stands out:

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Actually, the whole passage is rich; here's 1 Peter 5:6-11...

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Amen!